A few weeks ago, I made some suggestions for handling little ones and their misbehaving in public. Ultimately, little kids are easy: if all else fails, they’re portable, and you can carefully carry them out if they are truly having a meltdown. Bigger kids have more ways to be upsetting. Whether they refuse to put down their phones during a restaurant meal or behave in a whiny, inappropriate way on shopping outings, it’s more embarrassing because we like to think they’re old enough to know better and if they don’t, maybe it reflects on us! It’s also annoying because we are sure we’ve had this conversation all-too-many times already.

Our consequences should make sense in a real-world sense. The closer our consequences reflect the real world in which our children will have to survive as adults, the better. We grownups also have to stay calm; if we “lose it,” they feel as if they’ve won.

Let’s take a typical early-teen child who, at a family outing for dinner, refuses to put down the phone or, when pressed to do so, acts as if we are being totally ridiculous and unfair. Eye-rolling and sarcasm abound; responses are grunts or rude. Stay calm, grownups.

Consider this three-step process:

1. When you arrive home, calmly state you are disappointed in (describe particular choices the child made, avoiding global criticism) and will decide what to do about this at another time. For example, instead of berating your child’s generic “rudeness” calmly delineate the offenses: grunted at the wait staff; refused to put down the telephone when asked; rolled eyes during Grace, etc. Then let it go. Refuse to engage in further discussion and do not yield to pressure to make a consequence now. Your child wants to act now because you will be behaving out of frustration, which means that the effort to anger you was successful, and, in your anger, you are apt to give a harsh consequence which you will soon retract. Double victory for youth!
2. Plan another, similar outing soon. At the time it happens, let your child know she is not invited to come along. This is a natural consequence. If your romantic partner, or friends, or boss, took you out for a meal and you grunted, rolled your eyes and were sarcastic, you would not be invited again. You don’t have to make a big speech: just say the child was not fun company last time and you intend to have fun this time.
3. Step 3 is harder: your child has demonstrated (via the behavior last time you had an outing together) an inability to make good choices. Therefore, your teenage child cannot be left home alone. This means hiring a baby sitter. It is unfair for you to pay for the sitter; you, after all, are not the one misbehaving in public. So, extract the payment from your child. If he doesn’t have cash on hand, take custody of some prized possession, render the child a pawnshop type receipt, and let him earn it back later. This is a natural consequence. If I incur an expense, I have to cover it.

Your child will be very unhappy with you. S/he will say you are mean, or this is stupid. Oh, well! The folks at the Love and Logic Institute would suggest you sort of agree, with a calm, cheery, “Maybe so!” Refuse to get mad; your refusal to get angry keeps you in charge.

Then go out for dinner. Enjoy your meal without cell phones, eye rolling, etc. Do NOT bring home a takeout meal for the child left at home. Do not rub it in; just be matter of fact. This is the real world. Our job is to prepare our child to cope with reality. This is a soft version of the lost jobs, lost relationships, arrests or unpleasant reactions from friends that await the adult who cannot behave properly in public.

Dr. Lori Puterbaugh

© 2015

Posts are for information and entertainment purposes only and should not be construed to be therapeutic advice. If you are in need of mental health assistance, please contact a licensed professional in your area.