Some of us remember former NYC Mayor Ed Koch, who would famously ask, “How am I doing?” and get loud feedback from everyday people nearby. That seems useful for someone who is a public servant. For most of us, just randomly asking strangers how we’re doing seems more irrational than reasonable.

We all have people close to us, though, who do have a sense of how we’re doing, and perhaps more than we do. “Jane” thinks she’s doing fine, and managing well, but her husband “Joe” sees that she is frazzled, irritable, and apt to burst into tears of helpless frustration every couple of days. Meanwhile, “Joe” thinks his Ironman training is going fantastically – and doesn’t realize that he is nodding off mid-conversation, grouchy and distracted during what little time he does find for family. The conversation is likely to become pretty unpleasant, very quickly, if they decide to sit down and tell each other what they need to do differently or what seems “wrong with you.”

It’s hard to do, but asking someone for honest feedback – someone whom you can trust to describe what they observe without slamming you or criticizing you – can be a real insight into how we seem to be doing. It’s information, after all, and, if you trust the source, it merits careful reflection – not immediate rejection. If Jane comments, gently, on Joe’s tendency to be exhausted and grouchy, he might tend to imagine he’s hearing a death-knell for his Ironman dream. No, he’s hearing that something about the balance of training, work, and home life is leading to his being so tired that the people who love him miss his (awake, ungrouchy) presence. How can he get some of that back for all of them, including himself? If Joe expresses concern about Jane’s seeming awfully stressed out these days, she is apt to hear still more criticism and feel defensive, when she’s really hearing concern.

Find one, or two, or three, people whose feedback you can trust to be in your best interest and fairly accurate…and at least take it into consideration. Better yet, sincerely try it on and see if it fits, and if so…use it.

Make it a great year!

Dr. Lori Puterbaugh

© 2016

Posts are for information and entertainment purposes only and should not be construed to be therapeutic advice. If you are in need of mental health assistance, please contact a licensed professional in your area.