POST # 1 In Series

A few months ago, I gave a talk for a women’s faith group on the importance of Sabbath time, and half-jokingly remarked that perhaps my next book would be entitled, “I could tell you, but you’re not going to like it.”  On reflection, maybe that’s not such a bad theme and I herein copyright that title.  So, here begins a series of indeterminate length addressing a variety of topics involving mental health, family life, relationships, and personal development that will include, at least for some people, something useful that may not sound very pleasant, or even seem not worth the effort. This being only for entertainment and not professional advice, that’s certainly fine; and given that reading this is free, it may even be worth the price of admission.  

Many parents believe that their child is afflicted with Hyperactivity/Attention Deficit Disorder (ADHD). This is a mental disorder, its parameters laid out by the American Psychiatric Association, and is most often diagnosed by a list of behavior patterns, all of which drive adults absolutely batty. In the next couple of blog posts, I’ll be laying out some specific steps with which you can experiment, as a parent, to see if these free, simple changes bring about positive changes in your child’s attention, focus, mood and general demeanor. The good news: these will help any child thrive.

If your child is exhibiting symptoms of ADHD, then your first stop should be your pediatrician’s office to rule out health reasons, such as blood sugar issues, lead poisoning, and anemia, that can cause behavior problems and poor focus.

Assuming your child is healthy, and the following meets your pediatrician’s approval, the critical first step for you and your child will be to address the almost certain sleep deprivation that pervades the household.  Start with some math: determine what time you and your child have to leave to begin the school and work day, and deduct 1 to 1.5 hours from that time.  That is the desired wake-up time for your child. Your wake-up time should be at least 30 minutes prior, so you can have some quiet as you ease into your day for prayer, meditation, or a cup of coffee, perhaps with your spouse.  If your child is in elementary school, wind back 9 to 10 hours from their targeted wake-up time. That is their time to be in bed. If you have a child who fights bedtime and sleep, I’d try 10 hours and let them read or journal – no electronics – quietly in their room and not be concerned about when they turn off the lights. They will learn, by being cranky and too tired in the morning, what happens when they stay up too late.  Your bedtime should be about 1 to 1.5 hours after theirs, giving you some time for conversation, reading, and perhaps a few quiet chores.  No screen time or fighting; either of these will impel your child to stay awake to either not miss the fun of screen time or to interfere with fighting.

Your child needs that time in the morning to get right out of bed, attend to grooming and dressing; they must make up the bed and stash pajamas, eat breakfast, clear the dishes, and perhaps do one simple chore:  fresh water for the pets, wiping the table, etc.  They should begin their day without rushing. No screens before school! This will leave time for play that helps meet the minimum 2 hours of active play children need for healthy brain development. If you’re lucky enough to have a fenced-in back yard, they can romp outdoors, toss a ball, jump rope, etc. until about 10 minutes before it’s time to leave for school. If you live in a condo or apartment, then you’ll have to be more creative: explore dancing, games such as desktop corn hole (yes, it exists; I have one for family sessions at the office. It cost $5.00), tai chi, yoga, or other activities that can be adapted for children and are safe indoors.

You will get plenty of push-back. No doubt you are arguing as you read this, generating reasons this can’t work for you. They have activities that run too late; they’re used to watching screens while eating, etc. You don’t want to give up your screen time, either.

A comment on that: four hours of recreational screen time per day comes to more than 2 weeks’ worth of 8-hour work days each month.  Surely you have things you’d rather do with a free 2 work weeks each month than see what someone you went to high school with had for dinner or read the tenth rehash of the day of a news story?

This challenge is like a marathon: it’s simple, not easy.  It will be hard.

Optimally, try these changes for a month before you give up. Do not vary your weekend rise/bed times by more than one hour.  After a month, assess if the change has been helpful for you or your child.