Category Archives: ADHD

Believe that there is more to you

It is a sad and common theme.

A person is struggling: with an addiction, or obsessions and compulsions, or moral injury, or the impact of trauma, and has come to a place where the sense of self has been entirely subsumed by the problem and its pain.

The definition of self becomes “the addiction,” or “the monster who did (whatever has led to moral injury)” or “the mental disorder diagnosis.”

And, of course, as a therapist, I believe it is critical to address mental health troubles with the best of the science we have, with the particular approaches suited, as discerned ongoing, with the specific needs of that client.

But I also believe that a parallel need is extant and urgent: the need for this person, who is suffering, to come back to an awareness of self as a deeply beloved child of God. Not generically loved, like we may say that we “love” some food or activity or type of animal – but particular, personal, and intense.  Women who, like me, have been blessed to give birth will recall that wild wave of emotion that engulfs us when we meet that little person face-to-face after the peculiar intimacy of pregnancy. It makes us irrationally jealous of everyone and anyone; what mother doesn’t remember resenting the nurses and physicians who separated us from the baby long enough to do the general assessments and necessary care? Well, that is a reflection God’s love for each person.

If a person who is suffering is willing to enter into, and do, the hard work of therapy, which will include lifestyle changes and “homework,” and also becomes open to reconsidering his or her existence as a deeply loved person, someone who is more than the addiction, or bad choices, or terrifying memories, or intrusive thoughts and painful compulsions, then true and deep healing can happen.  This is what I would wish for every person struggling with emotional wounds.

My child is “hyperactive” Part 2: Move it!

Post 2 in a series: I COULD TELL YOU, BUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO LIKE IT © 2023

Once again, for purely entertainment purposes, I foray into the world of possible changes to be made to your, and perhaps your child’s, routine to maximize well-being. Be sure to consult a health professional before undertaking new activities.

My child is hyperactive, part 2:  Move it!

I am using “hyperactive” in quotation marks because, over the past 25+ years, many parents have offered this as their diagnosis of their children. When asked to describe the behaviors, they talk about poor attention, disorganization, disobedience, moodiness, lost homework and missing sports equipment, etc. It is this type of description, not the medical diagnosis per se, that I address here.

Human beings are designed to move: to walk, bend, stretch, jump, hop, climb, and more. We are able to throw things, build things, swim, dance, and then, when weary, sit and rest.  Follow a healthy preschooler around for a few hours and you’ll get the idea:  explore, play hard, stop when you’re ready to rest. Modern life seems to have it backwards:  most people’s lives involve a preponderance of sitting and far too little standing and moving. This is unhealthy for most people (of course, some people have serious health limitations) and even worse for healthy children. To expect children to sit still for many hours is a recipe for attention and behavior issues as well as developmental challenges.

My paperwork for new clients includes questions on sleep, exercise, and basic health, because these habits help shape mental health, too. These also can highlight if mental health care needs to be coordinated with their physician due to physical conditions that can impact mental health.  Obviously, we function best when our habits encourage physical and mental well-being.

In my last post, I challenged parents to take a hard look at their family’s sleep habits and work towards healthy changes. Perhaps by now you and your child have been experimenting with getting adequate sleep.  A second step towards a healthier, happier child with better focus, memory and mood is physical activity.  The American Heart Association recommends at least one hour per day of moderate to vigrous physical activity for children and teens. That means running, jumping, playing games, riding a bicycle, dancing, etc. It doesn’t mean a two-hour practice in which they spend 30 minutes on the field and 90 on the bench, waiting their turn.  Ideally, it includes plenty of free interactive play with other children and some with parents. It is this play, which requires physical activity and complex social skills, that enhances brain development the best and prepares children for the increasingly complex world of the workplace.  It includes the kind of rough-and-tumble play children traditionally have had primarily with fathers, in which the father would model how to pause and calm down before things get out of hand. Rough and tumble play without limits becomes “The Lord of the Flies” and grotesque gang violence. Life without play leads to passivity, poor social skills, poor physical health and higher risk for anxiety, depression, insomnia, and loneliness.

If your family pediatrician has cleared your child for physical activity, it is imperative to get moving. Your next task will be to find ways for your child or children to have more unstructured play time with children, and more outdoor activities with you, too. That will seem inconvenient, especially if you have your children overscheduled and accustomed to being moved from place to place and activity to activity, their entire lives carefully curated to keep them under the direct management of adults.

Go to the park and get on the swings, use the jungle gym, the climbing wall, the workout stands around the periphery. You might have to participate at first, just to show them how it’s done.  Take nature walks. Put the phones away; have yours along to take pictures of interesting animals and plants to look up together later, after you’re home.

Like the change to the sleep routine, expect push-back. Be consistent and see what happens. I suspect that, once your child is on a normal sleep schedule for a few weeks, and has adequate active play, you will see some interesting changes in behavior.   As a side benefit, screen time naturally is reduced:  children who are active outdoors and getting enough sleep have less time to be drugged by their screens.

Have fun playing!

My child is hyperactive, Part 1.:  You are getting sleepy…

POST # 1 In Series

A few months ago, I gave a talk for a women’s faith group on the importance of Sabbath time, and half-jokingly remarked that perhaps my next book would be entitled, “I could tell you, but you’re not going to like it.”  On reflection, maybe that’s not such a bad theme and I herein copyright that title.  So, here begins a series of indeterminate length addressing a variety of topics involving mental health, family life, relationships, and personal development that will include, at least for some people, something useful that may not sound very pleasant, or even seem not worth the effort. This being only for entertainment and not professional advice, that’s certainly fine; and given that reading this is free, it may even be worth the price of admission.  

Many parents believe that their child is afflicted with Hyperactivity/Attention Deficit Disorder (ADHD). This is a mental disorder, its parameters laid out by the American Psychiatric Association, and is most often diagnosed by a list of behavior patterns, all of which drive adults absolutely batty. In the next couple of blog posts, I’ll be laying out some specific steps with which you can experiment, as a parent, to see if these free, simple changes bring about positive changes in your child’s attention, focus, mood and general demeanor. The good news: these will help any child thrive.

If your child is exhibiting symptoms of ADHD, then your first stop should be your pediatrician’s office to rule out health reasons, such as blood sugar issues, lead poisoning, and anemia, that can cause behavior problems and poor focus.

Assuming your child is healthy, and the following meets your pediatrician’s approval, the critical first step for you and your child will be to address the almost certain sleep deprivation that pervades the household.  Start with some math: determine what time you and your child have to leave to begin the school and work day, and deduct 1 to 1.5 hours from that time.  That is the desired wake-up time for your child. Your wake-up time should be at least 30 minutes prior, so you can have some quiet as you ease into your day for prayer, meditation, or a cup of coffee, perhaps with your spouse.  If your child is in elementary school, wind back 9 to 10 hours from their targeted wake-up time. That is their time to be in bed. If you have a child who fights bedtime and sleep, I’d try 10 hours and let them read or journal – no electronics – quietly in their room and not be concerned about when they turn off the lights. They will learn, by being cranky and too tired in the morning, what happens when they stay up too late.  Your bedtime should be about 1 to 1.5 hours after theirs, giving you some time for conversation, reading, and perhaps a few quiet chores.  No screen time or fighting; either of these will impel your child to stay awake to either not miss the fun of screen time or to interfere with fighting.

Your child needs that time in the morning to get right out of bed, attend to grooming and dressing; they must make up the bed and stash pajamas, eat breakfast, clear the dishes, and perhaps do one simple chore:  fresh water for the pets, wiping the table, etc.  They should begin their day without rushing. No screens before school! This will leave time for play that helps meet the minimum 2 hours of active play children need for healthy brain development. If you’re lucky enough to have a fenced-in back yard, they can romp outdoors, toss a ball, jump rope, etc. until about 10 minutes before it’s time to leave for school. If you live in a condo or apartment, then you’ll have to be more creative: explore dancing, games such as desktop corn hole (yes, it exists; I have one for family sessions at the office. It cost $5.00), tai chi, yoga, or other activities that can be adapted for children and are safe indoors.

You will get plenty of push-back. No doubt you are arguing as you read this, generating reasons this can’t work for you. They have activities that run too late; they’re used to watching screens while eating, etc. You don’t want to give up your screen time, either.

A comment on that: four hours of recreational screen time per day comes to more than 2 weeks’ worth of 8-hour work days each month.  Surely you have things you’d rather do with a free 2 work weeks each month than see what someone you went to high school with had for dinner or read the tenth rehash of the day of a news story?

This challenge is like a marathon: it’s simple, not easy.  It will be hard.

Optimally, try these changes for a month before you give up. Do not vary your weekend rise/bed times by more than one hour.  After a month, assess if the change has been helpful for you or your child.