Category Archives: change

To Ink or Not to Ink

To ink or not to ink: that is the question.

Not my question, but a lot of people debate this. Perhaps they are considering the latest news: the research showing a significant increase in the risk of blood cancers with just one tattoo. That seems worth attention.

Sometimes, people planning a tattoo want to talk about it, the image and the expected arguments from friends or family. We might discuss the option of wearing a piece of jewelry with the same design for a year straight – no exceptions – or the benefit of a trial run with temporary tattoos for a few months.  Perhaps pulling out a particularly unflattering photo, with a hairstyle and clothing you thought looked great at the time, and facing it every day for a year or so would provide a tap to the brakes. Most often in these conversations, I simply listen, ask a lot of questions, and offer my personal explanation as to “why not.” There are three significant reasons.

On my phone, I have a photo of memorial bricks that rest in Europe, with the names and deportation dates of family members who died in Auschwitz in 1944.  They would have been tattooed by the Nazis, each with a unique number, for the obsessive record-keeping for which the Third Reich was known. Out of respect to their memories, no ink.

I can’t think of any sort of decoration I wouldn’t tire of, sooner, probably, rather than later. A look at my hair and fashion choices in old photos makes that spectacularly clear. Due to the likelihood that I will someday find my décor of the day regrettable, no ink.

Finally, the two most significant factors in my life, my faith and my marriage, are too important to me for tattoos. Both deserve a deliberate, mindful choice – every day, every moment. The crucifix I wear is by choice, never mindlessly or without reverence for its meaning and the demand placed upon me, however poorly I may live out that demand. The wedding ring is deliberate, a clear statement of, I love you, I choose you, each day. Never indifferent, never nonchalant: to wear these things is a daily action verb.

Now, those reasons may make no sense to you. Maybe they seem silly or irrelevant to your situation. Perhaps they do; but perhaps they are worth a conversation with someone as you, or they, make decisions about permanent records of this particular spot in place and time.  

What’s in your backpack?

I was speaking with someone reluctant to make any sort of commitment to a small change in the routine. Things were not going well for my friend, and the future seemed murky. With no clear picture of “where the journey is heading,” taking any first step seemed imprudent, my partner in conversation asserted; it would be better to wait until the “where” is sorted out in life before making a concerted effort in any direction.

One reasonable response to that is, there is no “standing still” in life: attempting to stand still just means things around you will change while you pretend you can hold your position.  See how that works for you standing in the ocean. Maybe that seems trite; the whole “you never step into the same river twice” trope that is, as it happens, absolutely true.

Another way of looking at my friend’s dilemma is this: no matter where my journey is going, some items always go in the backpack. I may not always need the water purification straws, or the sleeping bag rated for freezing weather, but I always need underwear and socks. I always need a spare pair of contact lenses and sunscreen. I always need a small Bible. I always need chocolate and my thyroid medicine. Even without knowing where, or when, I’m going, some things can go into the backpack.

No matter where your life journey is taking you, wouldn’t it be helpful to have a better quality of sleep? More physical energy?  A firmer sense of what your values are, and why, and what the implications are for daily life? A little less messiness in the closet or refrigerator or your car? Less weird clutter and mysterious crumpled papers in that one drawer? Some better thinking habits, whether it’s taking on a phobia or developing your capacity for focused attention?

Even if you’re feeling really stuck – a lot of pressures, an unhappy job situation, the first year or so into significant grief – perhaps there is one small thing you can do first– something you can “put into the backpack” – without a clear picture of where you hope to be heading. And, as you’re putting those essentials into your pack, perhaps the mystery of the next few steps on the journey will begin to come into focus.

Happy trails –

Life-Changing Hacks

Confession: I really dislike the term “hack.” It sounds awful, like a data breach somewhere, drenching the dark web with the personal info of thousands of people. It also used to mean someone whose work was poorly done and usually rushed, or the work itself. Somehow it became slang for “something you can do to make things easier/simpler/better.”

So be it, then.  In the spirit of openness (in which I score extremely high in personality tests), here are seven “hacks” for a happier life:

  1. Spend at least 15 minutes a day sitting in silence. For me, it is prayer time. This is a powerful early-day practice. If you are religious, this is a good time to sit with Scripture, a devotional book if you use one, and a small notebook in which to write a brief response as part of your prayer. For some people of faith, opening with a short Scripture reading and sitting silently in a contemplative mode of prayer is better.

If you are not religious, use it as quiet meditation time, focusing on breathing in a way that feeds relaxation and focus.

Why it works:  The research on the benefits of such a meditative practice is robust: brain health, heart health, reduced depression and anxiety symptoms. For people of faith, it becomes an opportunity to listen and reflect on God’s presence in their lives and how they are called to live. Taking a few moments to formulate your thoughts and write to God can help anchor you into the experience. The act of writing – words of gratitude, questions, fears – helps with focus and invites you to be in dialogue.

  • Go on a news fast.  If something horrible that actually requires your attention happens or is imminent, like a hurricane or other disaster, you’ll find out about it. Otherwise, just skip the news for a week, or two, or more. Then titrate your dosage:  15 minutes a day, checking into two or three varied sources.

Why it works:  repeated exposure to what are often the same events, or people discussing those events, has the neurological effect of repeated distressing experiences and amplifies your stress level. By quickly reading, rather than watching and listening, you will be better able to glean information without being overly stimulated emotionally.

  • Once a week, avoid all electronics except:
    • Live interaction with loved ones at a distance
    • Shared experiences with family or friends such as watching a movie together, which you can then discuss over a meal.

Why it works:  you will necessarily be spending more time in the real world, either resting, being creative, or otherwise having your life rather than passively observing others’ lives.

  • Go outdoors every day, preferably in the morning.

Why it works:  Morning daylight helps with brain chemistry; it contributes to a better mood and improved sleep by getting your melatonin system set properly.  It is also a good time of day to get your beneficial Vitamin D exposure (check with your physician) and to take in the benefits of exposure to nature: the sky, the sights, sounds and smells of plants, the sight and sounds of animals.

  • Clean up your diet.  Experiment with giving up highly processed junk foods. If you are a “one toe in the water” type, pick one change at a time and stick with it. Add a small change a week. If you are a “cannonball into the pool” type, go all in: get rid of the chips, the fast foods, the super-sweetened snacks.  See how you feel after a couple of weeks, after the worst of the withdrawal has passed and your tastebuds start to recover.

Why it works:  junk food is addictive, hijacking your dopamine system; it leads to erratic moods both because of the direct up and down of dopamine and the very complex relationship between the gut and the brain. The research here is abundant and easy to find; simply put, you’ll feel better. Your energy level should be more stable, helping you feel more energetic and, without that brain/body overstimulation from processed snacks in the evening, you may even sleep better, which leads to number 6:

  • Be religious about sleep.  If you are a 7-hour-a-night person, get those 7 hours; if you are a 9-hour person, get the 9.  Since you will be consuming less electronic media you should be able to squeeze out the time.

Why it works:  Sleep is essential. It is when your brain, and the rest of your body, does a lot of its clean-up and repair work. Your brain uses sleep to sort out information, store memories, and do important work such as using your new, improved, healthier diet to rebuild your stress-and-junk-damaged hippocampi, amygdala, etc.  Try to go to bed and get up at around the same time every day. If you are skeptical, then be scientific about it: do this as a four-week experiment and then assess the outcome.

  • Be committed to a daily exercise routine appropriate to your health requirements.  Your physician can give you info on recommended guidelines and any limitations or considerations you need to bear in mind.  There is no one routine for everyone, but unless you are on doctor’s orders to remain resting and sedentary, there is something you could do in this area. You may have to start slow; you may have to scale back because you are burning out; you may need to add variety so you are addressing cardiovascular health, strength, flexibility and balance.

Why it works:  Well, look at the data!  We are engineered to move, not to sit for hours.  Regular exercise is good for physical and mental health, can help with social well-being for those who exercise with or around others, afford time in nature, and help with sleep and digestion. 

So, there you go.  Seven simple hacks for a happier life.  Most of them cost nothing; even healthier eating could start with a money-saving switch of water in lieu of sugar- or artificially-sweetened prepared beverages. So – all simple, all potentially free. Since it doesn’t cost anything – what’s the harm in giving it a one-month trial run?  If one month of free, simple changes could mean more well-being in multiple areas of life, that seems like a great bargain – cheaper than coming to therapy and paying me, or someone else, to tell you the same thing.

Christmas all year ’round

‘Tis the season.  My Christmas tree is still up – it is, after all, still Christmas time. This is not a diatribe about people who tear down Christmas before the turkey or ham is cold; I understand that for many people, this holiday season was terrible, a time when loss was rubbed into their face. For them, simply going through the motions of the holiday was an act of profound and sustained moral courage.

No, I am reflecting on the reminders of Christmas that will be up in my home all year.  This is not new, and not unique. It reflects the profound Incarnation, and the love and hope that flow from that.  The little clay Holy Family we bought in San Antonio sits on a shelf beside the front door: it is more than a souvenir and more than the gratification of seeing Jesus, Mary and Joseph with skin closer to Semitic tan than impossibly pale, northwestern European.  It is, most of all, a reminder that the Eternal Word who “When He fixed the foundations of the earth, I was beside Him as artisan; I was His delight day by day, playing before Him all the while, playing over the whole of His earth, and having delight with human beings,” (Proverbs 8:29-31) came among us in, reminding of us the dignity of life even in that humility and weakness.

And as the year rolls on, and the oppressiveness of world events bears down on us, we need a star. Without remembering, deliberately and meditatively, the implications of the inexplicable event we celebrate at Christmas, the darkness can seem to be winning, and yet, “The Light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.” (John, 1:5). Looking at the news, it seems unlikely that things are apt to improve out there anytime soon. And so, as always, I am prepared for the annual summer revival, stirring afresh the wonder of the Incarnation. Sometime in July, when the heat of summer seems to have made the world even angrier, a hidden bag of peppermint bark will emerge, and Christmas music will be played, loudly, in defiance of what seems to be ever-growing darkness.

It is particular Christmas music: starting, necessarily, with Mannheim Steamroller’s “Deck the Halls.” If you know the performance, you understand. If not, it bears some explanation. This is no “ho, ho, ho” or “jingle those bells” type of “Deck the Halls.” It is the tune as it is meant to be played: the triumphant preparation for the arrival of the King, a blast of victorious celebration. It could be the sound of the creatures of Narnia preparing for Aslan’s conquering return. It is a song that, when Steamroller opens with it, has the crowd standing and cheering – to the apparent amazement of the musicians.

If it sounds as if it could be helpful, this summer, when the city streets are on fire and the news cycle is bleak, have a bit of Incarnational reawakening. Leave a reminder of Christmas out all year.  Play some music to stir your soul, and remember that, “The Word became flesh and made His dwelling among us.” (John 1:14).

What’s up with that?

Why do you do what you do?

No, seriously. Why do you do what you do, whatever it is that you do?

Could you get a bit obsessive about this question? I suppose so. But it is worth asking, over and over again.

You got out of bed at whatever time it was. Why? For what purpose?

Why did you eat and drink what you ate and drank? Or, why did you choose not to eat?

What did you put on your body to wear out into the world, to tell other people about you, your tastes, and your intentions?  Why those messages, and not some other messages? Why are those the messages you choose to give to the world?

Why did you go to work? Why did you choose that work?

Why did you behave that way, and not some other way, towards whatever persons you encountered along the way?

Why, why, why, why.  Sometimes it is important to take a step back and ask that defense-raising question of yourself, repeatedly, digging in.

Well, why, you might ask, and it is a worthwhile question.  Asking ourselves “why” is very important, because, if we drill down far enough, we come down to whether or not we have decided upon a central principle, a guiding ethic, a core belief that allows us to direct our behavior with cohesion and authenticity towards our purpose.  If you don’t have a “why,” you are less focused than the average toddler. A toddler can be remarkably determined in pursuing her goals, despite an inability to clearly articulate the “why” for coloring on the walls or giving Teddy Bear a bath in the toilet. 

For religious people, the central “why” comes down to a covenantal relationship with the Lord and, for Christians, a relationship with Jesus, the Christ.  That is the “why.”

Why get out of bed on time? Because an orderly life (ordered to what is best) requires self-discipline and routine, and honoring one’s legitimate commitments to others.

Why be kind to the barista, the cashier, the slowly shambling person in front of you on the sidewalk? Because they, like you, are a child of God and your rooted relationship with Him requires you to treat others as His children, too.

Why be honest with someone when you know it will be ill-received – the student whose work is apparently plagiarized, the employer asking you to do the unethical, the adult family member who is drinking in excess? Because it is important to be truthful, to not allow dishonesty to muddy the waters of relationships and to let yourself slip into that mud out of fear of conflict. Because your relationship with the Lord requires you to act honestly, justly, and with love.

Wishing you a new year full of the joy of discovering beautiful “why’s” in your life!

A Fool in the Slow Lane

One of the common criticisms I hear from people who are skeptical about religion is that so many religious people say one thing and do another. To which I respond, well, yeah. You’re correct, and don’t we know it. It’s right there in our Scriptures – the Scriptures overflow with it, including one of our most famous saints bemoaning to an entire city of Christians that he can’t quite get himself in line (St. Paul, in Romans Ch. 7).  It turns out that goodness is a work in progress. So, the question isn’t whether people are imperfect, it’s whether or not they seem to be making a good effort at being better than their nature might call them to be.  

In a sense, we’re like automobiles.  Except we’re not very good automobiles; most of us need to be in the shop, so to speak, day after day. Something is always going wrong. A tweak there, an adjustment there.  Driving all day and keeping an eye on the dashboard: what trouble light will pop up next?  Yep, there’s something; what can it mean? We pull over, often, to check things and scratch our heads in bewilderment; now what?  Then there’s a smooth stretch without any bumps and we unconsciously speed up, no longer paying close enough attention, until something dings or squeaks or clanks. Then it’s time to spend time in the shop, so to speak, and our Mechanic sets things right and, kindly and perhaps with a bit of a twinkle, reminds us that regular maintenance could keep this sort of thing from happening.  We bow our heads, determined to do better.

Off we go – we’re supposed to be paying attention to the road signs, the weather, the conditions in general. We have directions and we’re supposed to check them frequently.  If things go okay for just a bit, we breathe a prayer of thanksgiving.  So here we are, we “religious” people; we drive along through life, trying to keep it together and stay on track – and to the person zipping past us in the fast lane, who feels sure of where they’re going, we look like bumbling idiots.  

And, if we’re doing this right, we know that we are, at best, God’s fools, full of good intentions, accidental mistakes and self-absorbed carelessness, just trying to stay on the right road.

Taking it to the mats

What ever happened to giving someone some grace?  Or being tolerant?

As regular readers, I occasionally page through popular magazines just to see what sort of toxins are floating around in the public sphere.  It’s less time-consuming and annoying than hours of screen time. Between what I read, and what I hear from those on the receiving end of what is often cruelty, there is a whole lot less tolerance in these self-referentially oh-so-tolerant times than in the past. Often supposedly tolerant people demand that any disagreement be taken to the mats, verbally if not physically.

To be clear, I am talking about disagreements between people where there is no violence or threat of violence. I am not talking about adopting a “live and let live” attitude about child abuse or elder exploitation or criminal acts. I wonder where tolerance and grace went when it comes to the people we encounter in nonviolent settings in our daily lives.

A simple little example was an advice columnist’s suggestion that dealing with an annoying “friend” who calls during work hours and drains your energy and time with daily drama should comprise a formal sit-down in which you express how their thoughtless behavior impacts your feelings and your work, and expect some sort of mature, measured apology.  I am practical. My guidance would be along these lines: this is your “friend.” Surely you noticed before this that she seemingly has the thoughtlessness and flimsy self-control of a spoiled tween.  You accepted the friendship under those terms; she hasn’t changed. You have. Stop taking calls or looking at texts from her during work. What kind of job allows you to chat with friends on the employer’s dime?  Call her back when it’s convenient. And, if you choose to be friends with her, accept that she is as she is. She will be immature and you will have to set boundaries. Sure, tell her you can’t be interrupted at work. But you and I both know that having a nice little sit-down with her isn’t worth the aggravation. Imagine the flood of drama, spilling and splashing all over the table at the coffee shop.

In families, people disagree. At Thanksgiving, if you are fortunate enough to have family and friends with whom you can gather, people will have differing opinions. At least one of them may have misplaced their tolerance or drowned it in some substance of abuse. What to do? You might have fun arguing. My late cousin George, who had Soviet bullet fragments in his leg from his teenage adventures helping people escape from East Berlin, would take a perspective he didn’t necessarily agree with, for the entertainment of developing and defending a position, and do it with a twinkle in his eye. You might find that stressful; your plan may be to discreetly go do some dishes because “here s/he goes again.”  You might enlist at least one ally in a plan to divert and change topics if the intolerant person who expects everyone else to be tolerant starts pontificating. You might decide to politely express your perspective. Depending on the people present, any of those may be prudent.

Some people implode relationships foolishly. I know people who were cut off on the flimsiest of rationale; because they are “too negative,” or “worry too much.”  People cut off parents because their parents do not “support” (as in overtly cheer and brag about) their adult child’s career choice, tattoos, or other decisions.  And, conversely, parents cut off adult children.  In cases where people are dangerous, or truly disruptive (the addicted adult child who breaks in and steals from the parents; the abusive parent; the family member who is aggressive and belligerent about their cause-du-jour, as examples) then yes, safety and sanity require appropriate distance-setting. This is sad, even when necessary.

I’m not an appeaser or a door mat. When it comes to disagreements, I think that freedom requires that we live and let live in peace (that’s what tolerance used to mean) until the circumstances are such that it is necessary. Necessary means that an expectation for compliance is placed upon me, a demand that I change my mind or pretend to agree with something I find false.  It is necessary when harm is being done, is threatened, or is imminent. That is when it is important to speak up, calmly and rationally, to base my position in fact and refuse to play silly word games. Speak calmly, peacefully, firmly and succinctly, refusing to pretend. That would be a way to “take it to the mats.”

Paraphrasing St. Francis of Assisi – Peace and every good to you.

I could tell you, but you’re not going to like it: Anxious Youth

As you know, this column isn’t intended as psychotherapy or professional advice. It’s information and entertainment, and, I hope, the spark for some conversation with someone who can help with a problem. The problem here is anxiety in all its forms.

According to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America, about 31.9% of youth have some sort of anxiety disorder.  This would include diagnoses such as generalized anxiety, separation anxiety, panic disorder, and trauma disorders. It’s hard to believe this is accurate; if it is, then as a culture, things have gone horribly wrong. 

We know a lot about what works, and what doesn’t work for anxiety.  Isolation, the vortex of doom the internet can be, the misguided or malevolent support of random strangers online, endless social networking, and a sedentary, sleep-starved, junk-fed existence don’t work.  Overscheduling doesn’t work. Avoidance doesn’t work. Irresponsibility doesn’t work. So do the opposite.

Get off the devices except for schoolwork.

Get enough sleep. Go to bed at a set time, get up at a set time. Every day, even weekends.

Cut down on activities.

Read real books. Learn about other people’s interior lives via good fiction (that’s a primary reason that we read classic literature in school; to understand more about how other people think, feel, and respond to life’s events). Then talk about them. That means parents should read them, too.

Get physical activity.  A healthy young person needs at least two hours of activity a day, and ought to be standing, moving around, and active a big chunk of the rest of the time.  

Learn useful skills.  For example, everything it will take to manage one’s own money, car and home.

Socialize in person, often while doing something purposeful (whether that’s a sport, volunteering, or other activity).

Spend a lot of time in nature. If it can’t happen just about every day, plan a four- or five-hour chunk on the weekend.

Have chores and responsibilities for young people.  No, “school is not their job” and therefore nothing else is to be done around the house. How are they going to learn necessary life skills? Plus, who wants a spouse or roommate who thinks going to work covers them for any contribution to home and family life?

Learn mindfulness meditation skills, to slow down the stress response and “step back” from anxiety-provoking thoughts. This facilitates the cognitive restructuring of cognitive-behavioral therapy, in which new ways of thinking and behaving are identified and rehearsed.

…and try cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), preferably with at least one parent learning, too, to be coach and to help the parent. Anxious parents tend to teach their children fear-fueled ways of thinking and behaving, and anxious parents are apt to facilitate avoidance.  Avoidance is like jet fuel for anxiety. Find a licensed mental health professional who will work with you as a family to teach the skills. Keep in mind that CBT will work much better if the other parts of life are in healthy, working order – proper sleep, nutrition, exercise, etc.

To expand on an earlier point: parents, often your anxiety feeds your child’s anxiety. If you are behaving as if the world is a terrible, dangerous place, do not be surprised if your child responds the same way.  Making changes together to have a healthier, less anxious lifestyle will help the whole family.

I could tell you, but you’re not going to like it: Why doesn’t she leave?

Hint: whatever the reason is, odds are, she’s not “codependent.”

Your much-loved friend, your sister, your cousin – someone precious to you – is in a hellish relationship. Not a call-the-police violent relationship, but something similar: a toxic, gaslighting, crazy-making mess of a relationship that whirls up and down and around like a psychological roller coaster from Hell.  One day she’s fine, the next she’s a weepy, shaky, self-doubting shadow of her usual self. Over the days, weeks, or months, you’ve watched her change from confident, funny and insightful to anxious, depressed, maybe even physically ill. You can tell the problem is her partner; everyone can. Why can’t she?

I’m using the female pronouns because, although the torment can flow in either direction, research and the experts in the field indicate the pattern tends towards the victims being female and the dark-triad partner being male. 

Dark triad types – more often male, with antisocial, narcissistic, and Machiavellian traits, and often sadism thrown in – prey on victims. They assess the prey and find the way to quickly gain her trust.  The typical prey makes this easy, because it is her positive personality traits that will now make her vulnerable to this predator. The relationship started out fast – intense, a burst of attraction and an amazing number of similarities. In retrospect, you think, too amazing. The “too good to be true” turned out to be, well, untrue.  The cycle of drama – accusations, fights, threats of abandonment, and, ironically, your friend seeking forgiveness sometimes – keeps her off balance, on the ropes, without enough peace to think things through.

Very often, the women who find themselves in relationship with manipulative, emotionally and psychologically abusive, and often financially exploitative and sexually manipulative men, are the people you’d love to have for a good friend. They are high in the personality traits comprising the primary traits of Agreeableness and Conscientiousness.  Agreeableness includes traits such as friendliness, honesty, a willingness to put others first, and nurturing.  Conscientiousness includes loyalty, perseverance, and dedication. These people are often great parents and wonderful friends. These traits bite them in the butt when a predator exploits those very strengths to draw the woman into, and keep her in, a chaotic relationship that never settles down enough for her to have time to reflect and figure out what might be going on. Sometimes, her best hope is that she starts feeling like she’s going crazy and seeks therapy…and finds a therapist who sees, not codependence and a victim’s participation in the dysfunction to meet some unhealthy psychological need, but a person whose strengths have, in this unusual situation, become a trap.

Maybe you wonder, reading this, how good traits can be a trap…just think about your own history. Were you ever the team-member, at school or work, who dutifully did your share and more, while others slacked off and still got the shared credit? Has your loyalty been exploited by a “friend?”  Have you loaned money to a friend or family member on a word and a handshake – only to be avoided, and unpaid, later?

Part of the trap for your friend will be, ironically, compassion for the predatory partner, who has probably included in his story a carefully curated tale portraying him as a noble and heroic victim.  Her compassion, nurturing and desire to be helpful (those great-mom, great-friend characteristics) now propel her into fix-him mode.  His anger at her can all too easily be interpreted through the lens of his pain and frustration. Out of care for what she believes is a suffering fellow human being, she gets tangled in self-blaming, guilt and confusion. She easily believes his supposed distrust of her that seems to erupt out of nowhere is due to his attachment wounds, and buys into a notion that patient endurance and reassurance will heal him. And yet…sometimes he just lashes out, apropos nothing, and then denies anything even happened.  He berates her and tells her later she’s exaggerating, overreacting, imagining things. Stop making up lies about me, he rages.

So, if she wonders, half-rhetorically, on the few times you manage to see her alone, if she’s “going crazy,” don’t agree. Don’t accuse her of being codependent.  Listen, actively.  Gently question her: is it okay that he keeps texting while the two of you, who have known each other forever, have a cup of coffee? Does he do this a lot? Share your observations and concern for her (not criticism or blaming). Ask what keeps her in the relationship and, if she admits to feeling trapped, be kind and firm in your assurance that she has people to help her. She is not trapped, no matter how stuck she might feel.

The manipulative partner creates so much emotional turmoil and distress that it becomes almost impossible for the victim to think clearly.  Part of this is because of the cognitive dissonance the victim feels: the confusion and distress of holding conflicting thoughts of this magnitude: On one side are the “good” beliefs about the partner because of their seemingly perfect match and on the other, the anguished, distrustful, terrified thoughts because of the confusion of demands, accusations and threatened abandonment.  Your friend probably can’t think straight – for now – but, again, it isn’t because there is something “wrong” with her.  She is in the midst of a prolonged trauma.

Thus, the most obvious (to you) parts of a solution may seem overwhelming or impossible.  Moving the abuser out of her place? Not impossible.  Moving her out of the abuser’s place? Not impossible. While she may feel unable to cope with the finances, her pet rabbit/dog/cat/bird, and the task of moving possessions, her concerned friends and family can easily help slice this problem into manageable pieces.  Someone has a guest room or garage apartment or mother-in-law suite; someone can foster her pet at their home while the dust settles; someone has a truck for everyone to gather and load up so she doesn’t have to face the process alone; someone can coach her through changing all her passwords and un-merging her phone, etc., from the partner.

This situation is heartbreaking to endure. Keep reaching out; do not give up on your friend/family member/cousin.  Maybe it’s even worth having a little movie night – without her partner – to watch the classic film, Gaslight, starring Charles Boyer and Ingrid Bergman.

I could tell you: Bryce Canyon Therapy

I could tell you, but you’re not going to like it…there’s no way to defeat fear without going through it

I am afraid of heights.

Not, “Eew, a little squeamish standing on the observation deck at the Empire State Building” afraid of heights. I mean, heart-pounding, sweaty-handed angst when faced with the open stairs in your typical outdoor, three-story-ish observation tower. I come by it honestly; I apparently took a few hard tumbles down long flights of stairs as a toddler. Hence the reality that “falling can and does happen, and it’s bad,” is hardwired in.

The thing of it is, avoidance works perfectly if by works you mean, never feel that afraid. It also means missing out on things, standing around at the bottom of things feeling slightly foolish when everyone else goes up and looks out over scenic vistas that I will see as a thumbprint on their cell phone screens.  The only way to reduce it, or at least have the experience that fear will not be what kills me, is to go through it.

Enter our long-planned, long-saved for vacation earlier this year to Utah, where we joined a small group tour hiking and camping and taking in five of the national parks: Arches, Bryce Canyon, Capital Reef, Canyon Lands and Zion.  The first day, we set up camp nearby and drove over to Bryce Canyon to see the canyon at sunset and see the trail we would take on the next morning just past sunrise – a narrow path down the cliff walls, through the varying terrain of the bottom, and back up the narrow path along the cliff walls.  I spent half the night in turmoil, crying with fear, and woke up knowing if I did not do that hike, I would regret it for the rest of my life. Meanwhile, of course, my amygdala were trying to convince me that the rest of my life would be short because I would certainly fall off a cliff and die.

I did hike the trail, sometimes in tears, sometimes trying to melt into the cliff face away from the edge (sorry, everyone who had to pass me; I disobeyed the rules of foot traffic on that).  By the end of vacation, I was navigating through elevations with much less fear. I am not a fan of heights, and probably never will be, but I know I can feel afraid and still do reasonable things.

Sharing this tale with friends, one shared that he, too, is afraid of heights and that’s why he decided to apply to and go through jump school in the military (as in, jump out of perfectly good airplanes). He didn’t expect it to cure his fear of heights – it didn’t – but it did do what he hoped, which was convince him he could handle scary things, something he wanted in his pocket before being deployed to war.

The purpose of this rambling set of tales is to illustrate what’s happening when we therapists annoyingly insist people face their fears, even one small step at a time, if the fear is keeping them from doing the normal, necessary things of life and/or barring them from their goals. Whether it’s elevators, public speaking, or driving over bridges, only taking the small, often agonizing steps forward works. Thinking about it, waiting until you’re magically not afraid, or postponing only convince your emotional, instinctive brain parts that the situation in question merits that level of fear. In other words, avoidance doesn’t reduce fear, it increases it. Every time I started up an observation tower, freaked out and sat down on the steps and then crept back down before reaching the top, I didn’t accomplish anything except making my fear worse.

So when, as the therapist, I encourage you to plan out, with me, and begin taking small steps towards conquering the fears that block you from living as enthusiastically as you’d like, I am not being mean or insensitive. I am not failing to understand how gut-wrenching fear can be. I get it. Really. As in fear-sweat drenched, heart-pounding, climbing that narrow path in and out of Bryce Canyon on a hot day getting it.