Category Archives: psychotherapy

Day 2/Way 2: Make it a great year!

Have a place for quiet and use it daily. Your back steps? Your bedroom window? A chair in the corner? Any place is the right place if it is “your” special place for quiet contemplation every day. The constant beat of artificial lights, mechanical noise and media is an assault on the nervous system. Give yourself a break of quiet. (If you’re addicted to noise and media flashiness, don’t be surprised if 5 or 10 minutes of real quiet makes you feel pretty edgy at first!).

Why this can help make it a great year: it’s refreshing to separate yourself from the racket! Quiet allows us to listen to the subtler messages in life…CS Lewis’ fictional demon, Screwtape, identified constant environmental noise as a means for evil to do its work in our world because the noise numbs us to the quiet stirrings of higher thoughts and feelings.

 

Dr. Lori Puterbaugh

© 2016

Posts are for information and entertainment purposes only and should not be construed to be therapeutic advice. If you are in need of mental health assistance, please contact a licensed professional in your area.

31 Days/31 Ways: Make it a great year!

Today is day 1 of a month’s worth of small steps to make things a little better this year – for you, for others. If you “already do that,” (whichever “that” it may be), maybe you could try to change it a bit: stretch out of your comfort zone.

Way 1: spend some time in prayer every day.

Don’t know where to start? Depending on your faith tradition, there’s an app for that – or a devotional, or books, or a smart person in your environment who would be happy to help you find a source that suits you.

Already a prayer warrior? Try pushing yourself to go deeper. Seek wise guidance.

Not a “prayer person”? Then spend 5 or 10 minutes in complete silence, simply breathing and listening: listen to your breath, listen to your thoughts come and go, and experiment with quiet listening for inspiration.

Why it’s going to make it a great year: if you are a person of faith, opening up broader communication is going to help you better discern what is right, your purpose, and give you more opportunity for worship and awe. If you’re not a person of faith, you will still benefit from quietly reflecting on life and allowing the silence and inner stillness in which inspiration can make itself felt.

Dr. Lori Puterbaugh

© 2016

Posts are for information and entertainment purposes only and should not be construed to be therapeutic advice. If you are in need of mental health assistance, please contact a licensed professional in your area.

New Year’s Resolutions (past tense already?)

Well, it’s not quite the Feast of Epiphany…and a lot of New Year’s resolutions have come and gone. If you have “failed” in some way, you can always start over. To kick off a series on making the new year better, here are some thoughts:

  1. Why do so many people set goals like punitive parents, taking away privileges or pleasures, instead of setting goals of doing something? When you make a goal of dietary changes, why do you have to be a mean parent, taking away your own cheesy poofs, instead of a helpful coach, suggesting you have a serving of fresh fruit or vegetable once a day?
  2. Do you have an old goal – an old hope, or change – that you have postponed making? You keep postponing a particular trip? Never get around to playing the guitar again? A change in hairstyle that’s long overdue (yes, if you had your hair that way in the senior picture, it’s too long overdue if you’re out of college), or some more meaningful change? Maybe you need to revisit that change. It might be time.
  3. Are you picking a fight with someone else’s goals for you? Sometimes failure to reach a goal may be a way of exerting control. Consider carefully if a goal that is really good for you is the smart place to dig in and take a stand for independence…maybe your healthy libertarian streak would be better served taking a stand somewhere else, than resisting making a change that is medically advisable or spiritually essential.

Hoping to chime in often with short, sweet and psychologically healthy changes to make 2016 a great year!

Dr. Lori Puterbaugh

© 2016

Posts are for information and entertainment purposes only and should not be construed to be therapeutic advice. If you are in need of mental health assistance, please contact a licensed professional in your area.

 

Fun with Happiness

We went to Mt. Dora, FL for a couple of days’ getaway and had visited the wonderful used-and-new book store, Barrel of Books and Games, twice before 24 hours passed. I have been devouring the insightful and fun, The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. So many take-aways, starting with (for her) “Be Gretchen.” In other words, don’t try to force yourself to be happy by being/doing/pursuing what makes other people happy. Sounds obvious, but trust me, from this side of the therapy couch, that’s not what usually happens. Most people are not busy being themselves, they are miserably plodding away trying to be someone else. They run, or spin, or meditate, or work longer hours, because other people claim it makes them happier. It might not be making the person in question happier, but darn it, it’s supposed to…so there they go.

Today I was being myself. I went for a walk, went to church, and, having the morning “off” before an afternoon and evening seeing clients, had fun writing the bulk of an article on family therapy and national politics (yeah, that’s hard to explain – a post for another day), working on a large graphite still life, and picking out clothes to donate. My husband asked me, “Weren’t you going to kick back this morning?” Well, I was kicking back…being me. Someone else has her version of a chilled-out morning, and I have mine.

When you are being you, what’s different?

How much time today did you spend being someone else?

 

Dr. Lori Puterbaugh

© 2015

Posts are for information and entertainment purposes only and should not be construed to be therapeutic advice. If you are in need of mental health assistance, please contact a licensed professional in your area.

The Change Challenge

Everyone wants to make changes. New Year’s Eve fast approaches, and with it, lots of resolving to make changes. Statistically, we hear that most resolutions are cast aside within days. What’s going on?

I find that people make three major mistakes when they prepare for change. See if one, or more of these, sounds familiar to you.

  1. You want change – instantly! Your short attention span means that investing in a process that takes time and sustained effort seems “stupid” or “pointless.” You are unwilling to accept that change takes time. You’ve heard stories about people having some sort of lightbulb moment and then they assert that “everything changed.” Yeah, well, that was the summary. Even if someone can indeed name their “pivot point” or the “a-ha!” moment when they realized change was necessary, or when they knew they’d “hit bottom,” or whatever term they’re using for realizing they need to make a change rather than ride along passively through life, letting change happen to them by default, it’s only the beginning. Actual change simply takes time, and as we all know, our culture is not big on the taking-a-long-time “thing.” We want change, now. Well, I have run many marathons and I never did figure out how to finish any of them in more than one step at a time. There did not seem to be an alternative route to getting the job done.

 

  1. You telescope – and then give up without trying. The flip side to the craving for instant change is a curious phenomenon that I call “telescoping.” You look ahead to a distant goal and see the end performance up close – as if it must happen imminently. Since you’re clearly unprepared to do what’s required at the end (yet), you give up on it. Well, the goal is distant for a reason. The process of getting closer to the goal prepares you for it. This is why freshmen write 2000 word papers and doctoral students write 300+ page dissertations, and it’s why little kids have training wheels and their parents have more gears than they have fingers to count them.

 

  1. You don’t understand that “change” means “change.” You don’t realize that making changes will change you in ways you cannot know for certain until you look back, later. For example, if someone decides to eat more healthily, s/he is simply not able to really understand the many subtle and not-so-subtle ways in which this decision will create change. The numbers on the scale are, frankly, the least of it. Addicted to salty snack foods (salt does indeed hit the brain’s dopamine/reward system quite effectively!) and packaged sweet baked goods, the new eating habit feels like punishment. At first, they resent the terrible restrictions placed on them (by choice) as deeply as a preschooler denied dessert over unfinished green beans. Every day, of every future year, will be, it seems, a torturous process in which they will be denied the cheesy poofs and sugar bombs they crave. They are unaware that eating better foods will change THEM, not just their weight. They cannot see that the person they will be in three months will not be the same person bitterly having almonds for a snack instead of a bag of salty, deep-fried crunchy things. In 3 or 6 months, they will sleep better. They will think more clearly because, finally getting the nutrients it craves, their brain can build new connections, repair old ones, and improve its efficiency. They will have more energy, and their taste buds will probably have recovered so that more nuances besides “salty” and “sweet” are available…but in their imagination, their future self somehow merely “looks better” but has undergone no interior change whatsoever. Their beautiful shell will be angrily chomping on a salad but look fabulous doing so.

Of course, some people do all of the above: they want change to be instant and are utterly terrified at what that change means as if they have to do it all now. They want to “be different,” on the one hand, right now, and seem unable to grasp that making changes will change them.

When you consider making a change, do you fear the initial process? The “sacrifice?” Do you worry the effort won’t be worth it, or do you telescope and, unprepared for the advanced part of the process, immediately discount your capacity to meet the challenge?

Whatever your change-challenge might be, it’s helpful to read the stories of people who made tremendous changes, and talk to people whose achievements you admire. Find out about the doubts, first steps, challenges, etc. See if they, too, wondered about being able to reach their goals, or felt awkward taking the steps towards a goal that seemed so far away and unachievable.

What are you going to change?

Dr. Lori Puterbaugh

© 2015

Posts are for information and entertainment purposes only and should not be construed to be therapeutic advice. If you are in need of mental health assistance, please contact a licensed professional in your area.

Bigger kids, bigger headaches: When big kids misbehave in public

A few weeks ago, I made some suggestions for handling little ones and their misbehaving in public. Ultimately, little kids are easy: if all else fails, they’re portable, and you can carefully carry them out if they are truly having a meltdown. Bigger kids have more ways to be upsetting. Whether they refuse to put down their phones during a restaurant meal or behave in a whiny, inappropriate way on shopping outings, it’s more embarrassing because we like to think they’re old enough to know better and if they don’t, maybe it reflects on us! It’s also annoying because we are sure we’ve had this conversation all-too-many times already.

Our consequences should make sense in a real-world sense. The closer our consequences reflect the real world in which our children will have to survive as adults, the better. We grownups also have to stay calm; if we “lose it,” they feel as if they’ve won.

Let’s take a typical early-teen child who, at a family outing for dinner, refuses to put down the phone or, when pressed to do so, acts as if we are being totally ridiculous and unfair. Eye-rolling and sarcasm abound; responses are grunts or rude. Stay calm, grownups.

Consider this three-step process:

  1. When you arrive home, calmly state you are disappointed in (describe particular choices the child made, avoiding global criticism) and will decide what to do about this at another time. For example, instead of berating your child’s generic “rudeness” calmly delineate the offenses: grunted at the wait staff; refused to put down the telephone when asked; rolled eyes during Grace, etc. Then let it go. Refuse to engage in further discussion and do not yield to pressure to make a consequence now. Your child wants to act now because you will be behaving out of frustration, which means that the effort to anger you was successful, and, in your anger, you are apt to give a harsh consequence which you will soon retract. Double victory for youth!
  2. Plan another, similar outing soon. At the time it happens, let your child know she is not invited to come along. This is a natural consequence. If your romantic partner, or friends, or boss, took you out for a meal and you grunted, rolled your eyes and were sarcastic, you would not be invited again. You don’t have to make a big speech: just say the child was not fun company last time and you intend to have fun this time.
  3. Step 3 is harder: your child has demonstrated (via the behavior last time you had an outing together) an inability to make good choices. Therefore, your teenage child cannot be left home alone. This means hiring a baby sitter. It is unfair for you to pay for the sitter; you, after all, are not the one misbehaving in public. So, extract the payment from your child. If he doesn’t have cash on hand, take custody of some prized possession, render the child a pawnshop type receipt, and let him earn it back later. This is a natural consequence. If I incur an expense, I have to cover it.

Your child will be very unhappy with you. S/he will say you are mean, or this is stupid. Oh, well! The folks at the Love and Logic Institute would suggest you sort of agree, with a calm, cheery, “Maybe so!” Refuse to get mad; your refusal to get angry keeps you in charge.

Then go out for dinner. Enjoy your meal without cell phones, eye rolling, etc. Do NOT bring home a takeout meal for the child left at home. Do not rub it in; just be matter of fact. This is the real world. Our job is to prepare our child to cope with reality. This is a soft version of the lost jobs, lost relationships, arrests or unpleasant reactions from friends that await the adult who cannot behave properly in public.

Dr. Lori Puterbaugh

© 2015

Posts are for information and entertainment purposes only and should not be construed to be therapeutic advice. If you are in need of mental health assistance, please contact a licensed professional in your area.

Are you settling for 10%?

Why settle for 10%?

Sometimes 10% is just right.

God wants 10%. I can live with that.

The IRS wants WAY more than God, and we have to live with that…but it makes us sad.

When it comes to brain power, there’s that myth that “the average person only uses 10% of their brain!” Is that true? Scientists don’t think so, but it makes for good science fiction, when the occasional person is somehow altered to become a combination Einstein-Terminator. The subtle bias that being super-smart means being a freak isn’t lost on us, Hollywood.

It turns out, though, that perfectly normal people, in the absence of script-writers and special effects, can, via disciplined, deliberate effort, substantially – and I mean by up much more than 100 times – improve the speed and efficiency of their neural connections.  Here’s how that works (my apologies to neuroscientists for my gross oversimplification).

First, a little background on our nervous systems.

We have two major categories of nerve cells. Neurons are the ones everyone’s heard of: they’re usually referred to and people often don’t know that any other sort of nerve cell exists. Glial cells are the other kind. Most people haven’t heard of them but the people that have are super-enthusiastic about how much they contribute to our brains. In rock music terms, neurons are the Kurt Cobains: everyone knows who they are and everyone thinks they are great. Glial cells are Chris Cornell: the true nervous system fanatics know how great glial cells are and can’t believe everyone else can’t see past neurons/Kurt (no disrespect to Kurt Cobain intended!). Then we have myelin: it’s made out of fat, particularly those healthy fats such as DHA and EPA. The more you work your brain, the fatter it gets. That’s good – really good.

So…You decide to master a new skill. You focus – hard. The kind of hard thinking that makes your brain tired. It doesn’t matter what sort of skill it might be: kids learning their multiplication tables, a pitcher learning to throw a 90-mph perfect strike, a musician mastering Rachmaninov. Focusing, making efforts, tuning into all the aspects of the activity. Tossing a ball back and forth absentmindedly doesn’t make you a better pitcher. Focusing on the whole body experience – is this foot an anchor or is that leg a spring that, coiled tightly, releases energy at what specific point in the throw? What does it feel like in rib cage, shoulder, elbow, wrist? How is this attempt a little different from the one before? That studied, deliberate focus lights up the neural connections related to that activity, throughout the brain. Over time, as those neurons fire over and over, the glial cells pay attention. Whatever connections are working hardest get glial cell TLC – in the form of extra myelin. Glial cells wrap myelin, that white, fatty substance, around neurons, making the neurons more and more efficient. One hopes, at this point, that the person trying to develop expertise is eating a healthy diet with the right sorts of fats to support this brain development and getting enough sleep. (Consult your physician on this.) Over time, this intense process can improve the speed of the neural connections by up to 100 times! As the neural connection benefits from the support of the myelin, speeding up its efficiency, another change happens: the individual nerve cells themselves become faster by reducing their refractory period (that little, nano-second of rest/resetting between firings) by up to 30%. Factor that into the extra pace of the connections and, well…you do the math. You are upping your brain power by a tremendous amount in this area of interest.

What’s even more exciting is that our options for doing this are a wide-open window: you can go ahead and decide to devote the necessary focus and energy to many areas of interest over a life time, and, given overall health, a good diet and clean living, your brain will continue to dutifully respond to the demands you put on it.

Physical strength training benefits people in their 90s (yes, you read that right) and this sort of brain training – the kind people make naturally when they are interested and self-motivated – likewise can be a lifetime escapade of growth, challenge and fun.

Are you settling for 10%?

 

Dr. Lori Puterbaugh

© 2015

Posts are for information and entertainment purposes only and should not be construed to be therapeutic advice. If you are in need of mental health assistance, please contact a licensed professional in your area.

 

Checkout Lane Tantrums: Quick, Easy, Healthy Fix (seriously!)

Oh, those checkout line tantrums. Parents dread them. Your child starts making demands, you say no, and suddenly you feel trapped between giving in and standing your ground. Everyone seems to be staring at you with disapproval. Your heart is pounding and you start to fear you are going to lose control. You wonder if you will see yourself on the 10 o’clock news as some sort of example of “worst parent of the year,” and meanwhile, your beloved child is on the floor, turning purple and announcing, loudly, how much you are hated.

Wouldn’t it be great to have a near-magical approach that helped you feel more in control, and helped your child develop necessary psychological skills, like having words for feelings, delaying gratification and enjoying anticipatory pleasure?

First, don’t worry about most of those gawking fellow-shoppers. Either they haven’t raised children (in which case, they can’t know what it’s actually like) or they empathize, so let that go.

Second, put yourself in your child’s place.

You: “I could really go for a steak.”

Other adult: “No, it’s Friday. You don’t want a steak. You want a tuna sandwich.”

You: “Seriously, I really, really want a steak.”

It’s annoying to have someone tell you what you want. Of course you know what you want. You may also know (as in the case of steak on Friday) that it’s not going to happen; that doesn’t negate you wanting it. Just so, the fact that it’s not convenient, or it’s almost dinner, or any other perfectly sound reason not to have candy right now does not make your child’s desire magically disappear.

Third, apply.

Child: “I want candy!”

You: (no sarcasm) “Really, right now?”

Child: “YES!”

You: (calm, maybe coming down to child’s level by squatting, and using a gentle voice), “I know you want candy. I want candy, too, but it’s not time for candy right now.” (You are acknowledging the feeling rather than telling the child how s/he feels)

Child: “But I like candy.”

You: (still calm, still empathetic): “Yeah, it’s sad (or disappointing, or whatever word suits) when I can’t get what I want. I bet it makes you a little sad, too.” (You are helping label the emotion and normalizing it: other people feel it, other people can understand)

Child: (maybe more disappointed than mad at this point) “But I really, really want candy.”

You: (still quiet and calm) “Me, too! So…on Friday, when it’s payday and REAL grocery shopping day, we should each pick out candy. When we come on Friday, what kind of candy will you pick?”

Most of the time, children respond well to this, just as we would to someone understanding our disappointment in not being able to have what we want. We wouldn’t want someone telling us we “didn’t want that job, anyway,” or, “that house/car/college wasn’t right for you, anyhow,” and kids don’t appreciate having their feelings dismissed, either.

It takes practice and consistency to make those checkout lane tantrums disappear. A kid with a healthy memory and strong willpower (both excellent traits that are challenging to learn to manage) may persist in demands, or occasionally, after a period of no problems, suddenly restart the behavior. This is normal; just go back to the acknowledge/label/normalize/teach process and be patient. Another time, we’ll talk about how to handle the situations where a bigger child – older than four or five – becomes super-difficult in public.

Dr. Lori Puterbaugh

© 2015

Posts are for information and entertainment purposes only and should not be construed to be therapeutic advice. If you are in need of mental health assistance, please contact a licensed professional in your area.

The Invisibles

August 29, 2015

The Invisibles

In David Zweig’s new book, The Invisibles, he explores the rich environment of those whose dedication to excellence and satisfaction in their work so often hides behind the scenes…and yet is essential to the lifestyle we enjoy. Examples are fact-checkers, anesthesiologists, and structural engineers. Who, for example, praises structural engineers, or pays them any attention whatsoever – until something goes dreadfully wrong? It’s a deep and interesting read, and well worth one’s time.

There are many of these Invisibles. In fact, a great deal of normal, daily life comprises settling into the role of the Invisible. Consider, for example, the many household duties that must be done and yet fade into invisibility. No one really notices the spouse who, besides holding down a job, drops off and picks up the dry cleaning, buys groceries and makes sure the right items are available for meals and snacks, tends to bill-paying, drops off and picks up children at school and aftercare, packs lunches, checks book bags and furtively checks to see if little toothbrushes have really been used. However, if the other spouse does an unusually good job of tidying up the yard and throws in a bit of extra landscaping – some pavers there, a new pot of herbs here – no doubt the neighbors will toss some praise. The yard work was visible. All that other stuff is background noise.

Of course, the errand-runner ought not to be doing errands to garner praise, and the yard-keeper likewise. Let’s face it, we shouldn’t get the Parent of the Year award for making sure five-year-olds brush their teeth. Adults should be able to accept, with grace, the inevitable invisibility but also seek and honor the invisible, and visible, efforts of our loved ones. It’s not easy to find the time to seek the invisible when you feel overworked and underappreciated yourself. I’ve advised clients in this position to make a list (ostensibly for themselves but also as a family-education tool) of the many tasks that have to be done daily, several times weekly, weekly, bi-weekly and monthly, and post that in the kitchen. It will help them stay organized, and it often generates interest, surprise and then sincere helpfulness in the spouse.

“What’s all this?” (Suspiciously)

“Oh, it’s the stuff I have to keep track of; my therapist suggested I make a list.”

“Holy cannoli, you’ve been doing ALL THIS?”

“Yeah.” (No sarcasm allowed here!)

“Well, what can I do to help? I had no idea all this stuff was going on.” (Here, resist the urge to say, “Well, how the heck do you THINK your dry cleaning got done, the litter box was scooped and your mom’s birthday gift made it to the post office?” That would just generate a contest on who rightfully feels more unappreciated. Odds are, you are both missing opportunities left and right to express appropriate gratitude).

Sometimes, people don’t realize how much invisible work their spouse has been doing until they have been widowed. Then, all the unnoticed tasks their husband or wife did become glaringly obvious. It can be overwhelming and even worse – a big source of guilt for not appreciating all those small, thoughtful, invisible contributions to daily life.

So…look for the invisible and say thank you.

Dr. Lori Puterbaugh

© 2015

Posts are for information and entertainment purposes only and should not be construed to be therapeutic advice. If you are in need of mental health assistance, please contact a licensed professional in your area.

Water, Judgment and Stuff

Sometimes Mother Nature takes a swipe at our stuff, and we find out what’s important and what’s not.

We had a little water in our basement – the ground was so saturated from 2+ feet of rain in a few weeks that water began oozing through concrete blocks. After some initial dismay (Really? This is the moment the shop vac decides to die?), I felt relief at some items not damaged and indifferent to most that were. The truth was, I was more than a little relieved to be able to be rid of some of that stuff. Do you have those things, too – piles of stuff that have accumulated and are neither treasured nor useful?

It’s an interesting mental exercise: if a natural disaster took a bunch of my stuff, what would I be most relieved to find still intact, in the wreckage? I suspect that in a real disaster, I would be grateful for anything that was a link to a swept-away past. Any photo, any old Christmas ornament, would be precious under those circumstances.

Flashes of insight come relatively easily; change, not so easily. After the realization that I was not sad that some old drawings and paintings are gone, and realizing how little I really cared about a lot of stuff I’d accumulated, life rolled on and I did nothing substantive to reduce the clutter.

Not content to let me congratulate myself on my bit of awareness, I was given a dream. In my dream, I was dead and being judged, and the Lord took me into my closet and pointed to the many clothes I rarely wore and gently asked me why I still had them when others needed them? Each tired shirt and sweater, dusty on a forgotten hanger, was a reproach against my selfishness and oblivion to others’ needs. Dickens’ Marley was weighed down with chains of money boxes; I fear I will drag chains of little-worn clothing, books and kitsch. It is time, once again, to start purging: cabinets, closets, overflowing shelves. There is a big box next to the closet – 2 x 2 x 3 – and it is rapidly filling with “stuff” that I hope someone really can use.

I am still not exactly grateful for that half-inch of stinky water in my basement, but thanks…I got the hint, and this time, I hope, it will stick.

Dr. Lori Puterbaugh

© 2015

Posts are for information and entertainment purposes only and should not be construed to be therapeutic advice. If you are in need of mental health assistance, please contact a licensed professional in your area.