It looks good from the school bus window

In 1976, I was in 8th grade. 

It was the year the entire country had bicentennial fever.

It was the year the assistant principal’s son, usually diffident and polite, in my grade, slugged my friend “Tara,” who had spent the first half of the school year exploiting female privilege by kicking him and whacking him with a large hairbrush on a several-times daily basis. He said the suspension was worth it.

It was also the year that the Tara’s younger brother, “Tommy,” announced that he wanted to grow up to be a…cow.

Not a cowboy.  Not a farmer. A cow.  Tommy was abundantly clear, and he was impervious to reason, science or bribery with a combination of ice cream and more typical ideas about things he could be when he grew up, as any five-year-old would be.  The ice cream bribe having failed, the family shrugged and figured he would outgrow it. They didn’t play along; they kept calling him Tommy and sending him away from the dinner table if he pretended his salad was cud. Eventually, of course, Tommy moved on to the next thing, probably driving race cars like Speed Racer – something plausible enough to make his mother pine for the sweet, innocent cow days.

I’m sure that for Tommy, choosing the life of a cow made perfect sense.  Imagine how it looks from the window of a school bus, especially for a small boy.  The heavy humidity of a New Jersey summer has passed. It’s finally perfect weather to play outside all day. Nature’s colors are sharp and bright, the air is clean and crisp, and the cows are out there reveling in it, with the bunnies, turtles, birds and white-tailed deer.  Then winter comes – the dour, endlessly gray winters of the Raritan River valley, and after shivering in soggy boots at the bus stop, and climbing slippery steps into the bus, the cows can be glimpsed, in their shelter, occasionally outside into the snow, but ambling back into the warmth at their pleasure.  Yes, to a five-year-old trapped on the cold, rattly school bus, whose eyes are barely window-high, the life of a cow probably looked pretty sweet.  Perhaps if they’d lived along the water, Tommy would have aspired to be a fisherman, a pirate or a dolphin, but we were in landlocked rural New Jersey. He wanted the life of a cow.

Tommy has been a reminder for me to always explore the vision people have of what life when they reach a goal.  For example, if a young person announces they want to get a degree in (whatever), I think it’s important to explore the pieces of the dream around that. What do they see life being like with that degree? What do they imagine will be better for them?  What will they have to give up to reach that goal? What will they have to surrender for that career, realizing that every door opened means many others will close? What texture of life goes with that career, and will that work for them?  What about that career appeals to them? How will they handle the particular negative aspects of that goal?  What draws them to that work? How many people who do that work have they met? In what ways do they see themselves as similar to those people?

Similarly, if someone wants to make any major life change (say, moving from their parents’ home in coastal Florida to live off the land in Alaska), it makes sense to ask questions that make the expectations, underlying assumptions, and perhaps misperceptions, clear. It’s not that I want to be a fun killer; I am obligated to accompany clients on an exploration of their suppositions, knowledge base, and emotional reasoning.  If the Alaska-dreaming young person has innocent delusions about being free, about being “my own boss” in the wilderness, well…actually, Mother Nature will be your boss, and she is far harsher than the weary assistant manager where you bus tables and more relentlessly demanding than your high school physics teacher. The adult’s job is asking questions to elicit thought and inspire more research. An idea may feel “fun” but the reality may not be so jolly.

People may disclose all sorts of ideas and aspirations, wishes and whims. Ask questions about the expectations, beliefs, assumptions, sacrifices. Be curious, be compassionate, but be realistic. Be honest, because ultimately honesty is kind. Iceberg lettuce salads and fish sticks are not cud; major life choices should not be made on a whim, or when under the influence of mind-altering substances, or when distraught.

Because Tommy was never going to grow up to be a cow. But I hope that, whatever he grew up to become, he has plenty of time to enjoy nature on those clear, beautiful days.

**Tara and Tommy are not their real names.

Taking it to the mats

What ever happened to giving someone some grace?  Or being tolerant?

As regular readers, I occasionally page through popular magazines just to see what sort of toxins are floating around in the public sphere.  It’s less time-consuming and annoying than hours of screen time. Between what I read, and what I hear from those on the receiving end of what is often cruelty, there is a whole lot less tolerance in these self-referentially oh-so-tolerant times than in the past. Often supposedly tolerant people demand that any disagreement be taken to the mats, verbally if not physically.

To be clear, I am talking about disagreements between people where there is no violence or threat of violence. I am not talking about adopting a “live and let live” attitude about child abuse or elder exploitation or criminal acts. I wonder where tolerance and grace went when it comes to the people we encounter in nonviolent settings in our daily lives.

A simple little example was an advice columnist’s suggestion that dealing with an annoying “friend” who calls during work hours and drains your energy and time with daily drama should comprise a formal sit-down in which you express how their thoughtless behavior impacts your feelings and your work, and expect some sort of mature, measured apology.  I am practical. My guidance would be along these lines: this is your “friend.” Surely you noticed before this that she seemingly has the thoughtlessness and flimsy self-control of a spoiled tween.  You accepted the friendship under those terms; she hasn’t changed. You have. Stop taking calls or looking at texts from her during work. What kind of job allows you to chat with friends on the employer’s dime?  Call her back when it’s convenient. And, if you choose to be friends with her, accept that she is as she is. She will be immature and you will have to set boundaries. Sure, tell her you can’t be interrupted at work. But you and I both know that having a nice little sit-down with her isn’t worth the aggravation. Imagine the flood of drama, spilling and splashing all over the table at the coffee shop.

In families, people disagree. At Thanksgiving, if you are fortunate enough to have family and friends with whom you can gather, people will have differing opinions. At least one of them may have misplaced their tolerance or drowned it in some substance of abuse. What to do? You might have fun arguing. My late cousin George, who had Soviet bullet fragments in his leg from his teenage adventures helping people escape from East Berlin, would take a perspective he didn’t necessarily agree with, for the entertainment of developing and defending a position, and do it with a twinkle in his eye. You might find that stressful; your plan may be to discreetly go do some dishes because “here s/he goes again.”  You might enlist at least one ally in a plan to divert and change topics if the intolerant person who expects everyone else to be tolerant starts pontificating. You might decide to politely express your perspective. Depending on the people present, any of those may be prudent.

Some people implode relationships foolishly. I know people who were cut off on the flimsiest of rationale; because they are “too negative,” or “worry too much.”  People cut off parents because their parents do not “support” (as in overtly cheer and brag about) their adult child’s career choice, tattoos, or other decisions.  And, conversely, parents cut off adult children.  In cases where people are dangerous, or truly disruptive (the addicted adult child who breaks in and steals from the parents; the abusive parent; the family member who is aggressive and belligerent about their cause-du-jour, as examples) then yes, safety and sanity require appropriate distance-setting. This is sad, even when necessary.

I’m not an appeaser or a door mat. When it comes to disagreements, I think that freedom requires that we live and let live in peace (that’s what tolerance used to mean) until the circumstances are such that it is necessary. Necessary means that an expectation for compliance is placed upon me, a demand that I change my mind or pretend to agree with something I find false.  It is necessary when harm is being done, is threatened, or is imminent. That is when it is important to speak up, calmly and rationally, to base my position in fact and refuse to play silly word games. Speak calmly, peacefully, firmly and succinctly, refusing to pretend. That would be a way to “take it to the mats.”

Paraphrasing St. Francis of Assisi – Peace and every good to you.

I could tell you, but you’re not going to like it: Anxious Youth

As you know, this column isn’t intended as psychotherapy or professional advice. It’s information and entertainment, and, I hope, the spark for some conversation with someone who can help with a problem. The problem here is anxiety in all its forms.

According to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America, about 31.9% of youth have some sort of anxiety disorder.  This would include diagnoses such as generalized anxiety, separation anxiety, panic disorder, and trauma disorders. It’s hard to believe this is accurate; if it is, then as a culture, things have gone horribly wrong. 

We know a lot about what works, and what doesn’t work for anxiety.  Isolation, the vortex of doom the internet can be, the misguided or malevolent support of random strangers online, endless social networking, and a sedentary, sleep-starved, junk-fed existence don’t work.  Overscheduling doesn’t work. Avoidance doesn’t work. Irresponsibility doesn’t work. So do the opposite.

Get off the devices except for schoolwork.

Get enough sleep. Go to bed at a set time, get up at a set time. Every day, even weekends.

Cut down on activities.

Read real books. Learn about other people’s interior lives via good fiction (that’s a primary reason that we read classic literature in school; to understand more about how other people think, feel, and respond to life’s events). Then talk about them. That means parents should read them, too.

Get physical activity.  A healthy young person needs at least two hours of activity a day, and ought to be standing, moving around, and active a big chunk of the rest of the time.  

Learn useful skills.  For example, everything it will take to manage one’s own money, car and home.

Socialize in person, often while doing something purposeful (whether that’s a sport, volunteering, or other activity).

Spend a lot of time in nature. If it can’t happen just about every day, plan a four- or five-hour chunk on the weekend.

Have chores and responsibilities for young people.  No, “school is not their job” and therefore nothing else is to be done around the house. How are they going to learn necessary life skills? Plus, who wants a spouse or roommate who thinks going to work covers them for any contribution to home and family life?

Learn mindfulness meditation skills, to slow down the stress response and “step back” from anxiety-provoking thoughts. This facilitates the cognitive restructuring of cognitive-behavioral therapy, in which new ways of thinking and behaving are identified and rehearsed.

…and try cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), preferably with at least one parent learning, too, to be coach and to help the parent. Anxious parents tend to teach their children fear-fueled ways of thinking and behaving, and anxious parents are apt to facilitate avoidance.  Avoidance is like jet fuel for anxiety. Find a licensed mental health professional who will work with you as a family to teach the skills. Keep in mind that CBT will work much better if the other parts of life are in healthy, working order – proper sleep, nutrition, exercise, etc.

To expand on an earlier point: parents, often your anxiety feeds your child’s anxiety. If you are behaving as if the world is a terrible, dangerous place, do not be surprised if your child responds the same way.  Making changes together to have a healthier, less anxious lifestyle will help the whole family.

I could tell you, but you’re not going to like it: Why doesn’t she leave?

Hint: whatever the reason is, odds are, she’s not “codependent.”

Your much-loved friend, your sister, your cousin – someone precious to you – is in a hellish relationship. Not a call-the-police violent relationship, but something similar: a toxic, gaslighting, crazy-making mess of a relationship that whirls up and down and around like a psychological roller coaster from Hell.  One day she’s fine, the next she’s a weepy, shaky, self-doubting shadow of her usual self. Over the days, weeks, or months, you’ve watched her change from confident, funny and insightful to anxious, depressed, maybe even physically ill. You can tell the problem is her partner; everyone can. Why can’t she?

I’m using the female pronouns because, although the torment can flow in either direction, research and the experts in the field indicate the pattern tends towards the victims being female and the dark-triad partner being male. 

Dark triad types – more often male, with antisocial, narcissistic, and Machiavellian traits, and often sadism thrown in – prey on victims. They assess the prey and find the way to quickly gain her trust.  The typical prey makes this easy, because it is her positive personality traits that will now make her vulnerable to this predator. The relationship started out fast – intense, a burst of attraction and an amazing number of similarities. In retrospect, you think, too amazing. The “too good to be true” turned out to be, well, untrue.  The cycle of drama – accusations, fights, threats of abandonment, and, ironically, your friend seeking forgiveness sometimes – keeps her off balance, on the ropes, without enough peace to think things through.

Very often, the women who find themselves in relationship with manipulative, emotionally and psychologically abusive, and often financially exploitative and sexually manipulative men, are the people you’d love to have for a good friend. They are high in the personality traits comprising the primary traits of Agreeableness and Conscientiousness.  Agreeableness includes traits such as friendliness, honesty, a willingness to put others first, and nurturing.  Conscientiousness includes loyalty, perseverance, and dedication. These people are often great parents and wonderful friends. These traits bite them in the butt when a predator exploits those very strengths to draw the woman into, and keep her in, a chaotic relationship that never settles down enough for her to have time to reflect and figure out what might be going on. Sometimes, her best hope is that she starts feeling like she’s going crazy and seeks therapy…and finds a therapist who sees, not codependence and a victim’s participation in the dysfunction to meet some unhealthy psychological need, but a person whose strengths have, in this unusual situation, become a trap.

Maybe you wonder, reading this, how good traits can be a trap…just think about your own history. Were you ever the team-member, at school or work, who dutifully did your share and more, while others slacked off and still got the shared credit? Has your loyalty been exploited by a “friend?”  Have you loaned money to a friend or family member on a word and a handshake – only to be avoided, and unpaid, later?

Part of the trap for your friend will be, ironically, compassion for the predatory partner, who has probably included in his story a carefully curated tale portraying him as a noble and heroic victim.  Her compassion, nurturing and desire to be helpful (those great-mom, great-friend characteristics) now propel her into fix-him mode.  His anger at her can all too easily be interpreted through the lens of his pain and frustration. Out of care for what she believes is a suffering fellow human being, she gets tangled in self-blaming, guilt and confusion. She easily believes his supposed distrust of her that seems to erupt out of nowhere is due to his attachment wounds, and buys into a notion that patient endurance and reassurance will heal him. And yet…sometimes he just lashes out, apropos nothing, and then denies anything even happened.  He berates her and tells her later she’s exaggerating, overreacting, imagining things. Stop making up lies about me, he rages.

So, if she wonders, half-rhetorically, on the few times you manage to see her alone, if she’s “going crazy,” don’t agree. Don’t accuse her of being codependent.  Listen, actively.  Gently question her: is it okay that he keeps texting while the two of you, who have known each other forever, have a cup of coffee? Does he do this a lot? Share your observations and concern for her (not criticism or blaming). Ask what keeps her in the relationship and, if she admits to feeling trapped, be kind and firm in your assurance that she has people to help her. She is not trapped, no matter how stuck she might feel.

The manipulative partner creates so much emotional turmoil and distress that it becomes almost impossible for the victim to think clearly.  Part of this is because of the cognitive dissonance the victim feels: the confusion and distress of holding conflicting thoughts of this magnitude: On one side are the “good” beliefs about the partner because of their seemingly perfect match and on the other, the anguished, distrustful, terrified thoughts because of the confusion of demands, accusations and threatened abandonment.  Your friend probably can’t think straight – for now – but, again, it isn’t because there is something “wrong” with her.  She is in the midst of a prolonged trauma.

Thus, the most obvious (to you) parts of a solution may seem overwhelming or impossible.  Moving the abuser out of her place? Not impossible.  Moving her out of the abuser’s place? Not impossible. While she may feel unable to cope with the finances, her pet rabbit/dog/cat/bird, and the task of moving possessions, her concerned friends and family can easily help slice this problem into manageable pieces.  Someone has a guest room or garage apartment or mother-in-law suite; someone can foster her pet at their home while the dust settles; someone has a truck for everyone to gather and load up so she doesn’t have to face the process alone; someone can coach her through changing all her passwords and un-merging her phone, etc., from the partner.

This situation is heartbreaking to endure. Keep reaching out; do not give up on your friend/family member/cousin.  Maybe it’s even worth having a little movie night – without her partner – to watch the classic film, Gaslight, starring Charles Boyer and Ingrid Bergman.

I could tell you: Bryce Canyon Therapy

I could tell you, but you’re not going to like it…there’s no way to defeat fear without going through it

I am afraid of heights.

Not, “Eew, a little squeamish standing on the observation deck at the Empire State Building” afraid of heights. I mean, heart-pounding, sweaty-handed angst when faced with the open stairs in your typical outdoor, three-story-ish observation tower. I come by it honestly; I apparently took a few hard tumbles down long flights of stairs as a toddler. Hence the reality that “falling can and does happen, and it’s bad,” is hardwired in.

The thing of it is, avoidance works perfectly if by works you mean, never feel that afraid. It also means missing out on things, standing around at the bottom of things feeling slightly foolish when everyone else goes up and looks out over scenic vistas that I will see as a thumbprint on their cell phone screens.  The only way to reduce it, or at least have the experience that fear will not be what kills me, is to go through it.

Enter our long-planned, long-saved for vacation earlier this year to Utah, where we joined a small group tour hiking and camping and taking in five of the national parks: Arches, Bryce Canyon, Capital Reef, Canyon Lands and Zion.  The first day, we set up camp nearby and drove over to Bryce Canyon to see the canyon at sunset and see the trail we would take on the next morning just past sunrise – a narrow path down the cliff walls, through the varying terrain of the bottom, and back up the narrow path along the cliff walls.  I spent half the night in turmoil, crying with fear, and woke up knowing if I did not do that hike, I would regret it for the rest of my life. Meanwhile, of course, my amygdala were trying to convince me that the rest of my life would be short because I would certainly fall off a cliff and die.

I did hike the trail, sometimes in tears, sometimes trying to melt into the cliff face away from the edge (sorry, everyone who had to pass me; I disobeyed the rules of foot traffic on that).  By the end of vacation, I was navigating through elevations with much less fear. I am not a fan of heights, and probably never will be, but I know I can feel afraid and still do reasonable things.

Sharing this tale with friends, one shared that he, too, is afraid of heights and that’s why he decided to apply to and go through jump school in the military (as in, jump out of perfectly good airplanes). He didn’t expect it to cure his fear of heights – it didn’t – but it did do what he hoped, which was convince him he could handle scary things, something he wanted in his pocket before being deployed to war.

The purpose of this rambling set of tales is to illustrate what’s happening when we therapists annoyingly insist people face their fears, even one small step at a time, if the fear is keeping them from doing the normal, necessary things of life and/or barring them from their goals. Whether it’s elevators, public speaking, or driving over bridges, only taking the small, often agonizing steps forward works. Thinking about it, waiting until you’re magically not afraid, or postponing only convince your emotional, instinctive brain parts that the situation in question merits that level of fear. In other words, avoidance doesn’t reduce fear, it increases it. Every time I started up an observation tower, freaked out and sat down on the steps and then crept back down before reaching the top, I didn’t accomplish anything except making my fear worse.

So when, as the therapist, I encourage you to plan out, with me, and begin taking small steps towards conquering the fears that block you from living as enthusiastically as you’d like, I am not being mean or insensitive. I am not failing to understand how gut-wrenching fear can be. I get it. Really. As in fear-sweat drenched, heart-pounding, climbing that narrow path in and out of Bryce Canyon on a hot day getting it. 

(Un)Social Drinking

4th in a series: I could tell you but you’re not going to like it: Social Drinking often isn’t.

Yet again, I am stepping into the fray to offer the kind of information that can be helpful but feel quite unwelcome. In this case, it’s the raw fact that, for many people, Social Drinking…isn’t.

Social drinking is one of the terms for the use of alcoholic beverages in disciplined moderation, with others: the glass of wine at dinner, the single drink at happy hour.  It means the person is not an alcoholic, and everything’s under control…but as the term is used, perhaps not.  The American Psychiatric Association has established a low bar to meet the criteria for mild Alcohol Use Disorder: these are two of the many criteria, and perhaps these two will resonate with some social drinkers:

“Alcohol is often taken in larger amounts or over a longer period than was intended” and

“Continued alcohol use despite persistent or recurrent social or interpersonal problems caused by or exacerbated by the effects of alcohol.”

In other words, if someone often drinks three glasses of wine when they meant to have just one, or plans to have “a drink” with a friend that turns into a three-hour hangout with multiple drinks, that is a marker of a potential problem. If someone uses alcohol, and then becomes argumentative with friends and/or family, or zones out in front of the television and, yet again, neglects chores or short-changes the dog’s evening walk, the so-called social drinking isn’t just social drinking. Stir in failing to get up on time for work due to a hangover, or having the alcohol cause headaches, belly aches, acid reflux or blood sugar issues, and there is a storm coming.

So, perhaps, unless your physician advises otherwise, you might do a bit of an experiment if you are a social drinker. The experiment is, no alcohol for a month; six weeks would be better. Fighting a habit takes time. Then see what happens.  If you discuss alcohol with your physician, please be honest: the health professionals’ unofficial guideline when people tell us about alcohol use is, double it, or perhaps even triple what the person tells you.

Evening alcohol use disrupts sleep; people may fall asleep more quickly but will often have sleep problems a few hours into the night.  Alcohol impacts the brain in a host of ways: it impairs balance and spatial judgment, slows physical reaction time, weakens impulse control, and interferes with cognitive functioning. It also interacts dangerously with a host of common medications, including but not limited to medications for pain, anxiety, depression, OCD, ADHD, allergies, and more; if you are on any medications, over the counter or prescription, check with your pharmacist about using alcohol with these medications.  Mixing alcohol and medication can be deadly. Perhaps during your alcohol-free weeks, you will find yourself more motivated to get up and get that morning walk or workout in; perhaps you will have fewer unproductive arguments with the people you love. At that point, it may seem that social drinking may not be social, after all.

I could tell you #3: Screening the Screens

#3 in a series: I can tell you, but you’re not going to like it.

Once again, I’m the fun-killer, offering information for your recreational purposes that you might not like hearing.

Thus far, I’ve discussed getting more sleep and more physical activity as ways to help children who seem restless, unhappy, unable to focus (except for electronics, usually).  If you have been experimenting with those changes – perhaps for your children, perhaps for yourself – and a few weeks have gone by, I suspect you have noticed a few changes.

You may be sleeping better and waking up more rested and alert. You may be naturally less reliant on caffeine and high-sugar foods to wake up or to get through your day.  If you were tracking it, you might also notice that you are spending less recreational time with electronics. If you were managing these changes for a child, you experienced some degree of pushback, possibly to the level of an addict being denied their drug of choice, because the brain becomes addicted to the rewards of social media, video games, etc., and it will take time to replace that addiction with healthy patterns.  If you were able to persist, within a few weeks you probably noticed positive changes in mood and behavior.

Some studies have supported the approach of adding positive changes before taking things away. For example, if a person needs to quit smoking, eat healthier and exercise, success is most likely to accrue if exercise is added first. This becomes an additional reward and incentive, and can help buffer the withdrawal from nicotine as well as withdrawal from addictive, highly processed foods. In that spirit, it seems it could be easier to have begun helping a child heal from the cultural damages that contribute to anxiety, depression, attentional problems, etc. by adding positive things (sleep, exercise and play) before directly taking away negative things (specifically, the largely unsupervised world of the online universe).

If your child has any unsupervised screen time, it is almost guaranteed they are seeing things you do not know they are seeing or want them to see. End of story. You think you have adequate controls, and firewalls; and somewhere far away, people with far more expertise in technology than most of us are busily creating pathways to circumvent parental controls.

As I have shared in other columns, one of my little escapes in a long work day may be a two to four-minute clip off the internet of some old movie: a dance scene from Mary Poppins, a short scene from Much Ado About Nothing, a few moments of Branagh’s Henry V, the latter not cheery but stunningly well done and quite grounding, as examples. These are my typical fare: dancing penguins, singing suffragettes and Shakespeare, but sometimes up will come next some horrible thing – R-rated, violent, hideous – so terrible that even shutting it down immediately is too much exposure.  From this I hypothesize that if you think your kiddo is happily watching perfectly clean children’s videos and do not supervise, you don’t know. You do not know whether some horror or corruption that was carefully created and marked with the right key words to intrude on that corner of the market is slipping into the stream.

Under the best of circumstances, if it were an hour or two of tap-dancing penguins, it is on too much time to surrender to passive entertainment without being selective. Most people will not just absent-mindedly pick up any book and read it for a couple of hours and then look up, surprised and resentful, when interrupted for food or water or homework. The internet, however, is something else: the endless parade of “talking” kittens, so-called “influencers” and worse contrive to steal time every day from many people. It’s not all bad, of course; I listen to educational lectures when I’m on the stationary bicycle six days a week. I’ve encouraged people to watch “The Chosen.” I’m in favor of well-researched educational programming. I’ve done car repairs under the tutelage of a mechanic on Youtube and am still stumbling through beginner Spanish with the internet, too.

If you are unconvinced about the use of the internet, watch the documentary, “The Social Dilemma.”

Cutting back on tech time is hard. You’re probably not, initially, going to like it, and odds are your child will fight you – hard.  We’re talking about your child’s well-being: their physical health, mental health, intellectual development and social skills. It’s worth the trouble. Try adding the deliberate reduction of entertainment with electronics to the improved sleep and physical activity habits.  Then see what happens.

My child is “hyperactive” Part 2: Move it!

Post 2 in a series: I COULD TELL YOU, BUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO LIKE IT © 2023

Once again, for purely entertainment purposes, I foray into the world of possible changes to be made to your, and perhaps your child’s, routine to maximize well-being. Be sure to consult a health professional before undertaking new activities.

My child is hyperactive, part 2:  Move it!

I am using “hyperactive” in quotation marks because, over the past 25+ years, many parents have offered this as their diagnosis of their children. When asked to describe the behaviors, they talk about poor attention, disorganization, disobedience, moodiness, lost homework and missing sports equipment, etc. It is this type of description, not the medical diagnosis per se, that I address here.

Human beings are designed to move: to walk, bend, stretch, jump, hop, climb, and more. We are able to throw things, build things, swim, dance, and then, when weary, sit and rest.  Follow a healthy preschooler around for a few hours and you’ll get the idea:  explore, play hard, stop when you’re ready to rest. Modern life seems to have it backwards:  most people’s lives involve a preponderance of sitting and far too little standing and moving. This is unhealthy for most people (of course, some people have serious health limitations) and even worse for healthy children. To expect children to sit still for many hours is a recipe for attention and behavior issues as well as developmental challenges.

My paperwork for new clients includes questions on sleep, exercise, and basic health, because these habits help shape mental health, too. These also can highlight if mental health care needs to be coordinated with their physician due to physical conditions that can impact mental health.  Obviously, we function best when our habits encourage physical and mental well-being.

In my last post, I challenged parents to take a hard look at their family’s sleep habits and work towards healthy changes. Perhaps by now you and your child have been experimenting with getting adequate sleep.  A second step towards a healthier, happier child with better focus, memory and mood is physical activity.  The American Heart Association recommends at least one hour per day of moderate to vigrous physical activity for children and teens. That means running, jumping, playing games, riding a bicycle, dancing, etc. It doesn’t mean a two-hour practice in which they spend 30 minutes on the field and 90 on the bench, waiting their turn.  Ideally, it includes plenty of free interactive play with other children and some with parents. It is this play, which requires physical activity and complex social skills, that enhances brain development the best and prepares children for the increasingly complex world of the workplace.  It includes the kind of rough-and-tumble play children traditionally have had primarily with fathers, in which the father would model how to pause and calm down before things get out of hand. Rough and tumble play without limits becomes “The Lord of the Flies” and grotesque gang violence. Life without play leads to passivity, poor social skills, poor physical health and higher risk for anxiety, depression, insomnia, and loneliness.

If your family pediatrician has cleared your child for physical activity, it is imperative to get moving. Your next task will be to find ways for your child or children to have more unstructured play time with children, and more outdoor activities with you, too. That will seem inconvenient, especially if you have your children overscheduled and accustomed to being moved from place to place and activity to activity, their entire lives carefully curated to keep them under the direct management of adults.

Go to the park and get on the swings, use the jungle gym, the climbing wall, the workout stands around the periphery. You might have to participate at first, just to show them how it’s done.  Take nature walks. Put the phones away; have yours along to take pictures of interesting animals and plants to look up together later, after you’re home.

Like the change to the sleep routine, expect push-back. Be consistent and see what happens. I suspect that, once your child is on a normal sleep schedule for a few weeks, and has adequate active play, you will see some interesting changes in behavior.   As a side benefit, screen time naturally is reduced:  children who are active outdoors and getting enough sleep have less time to be drugged by their screens.

Have fun playing!

My child is hyperactive, Part 1.:  You are getting sleepy…

POST # 1 In Series

A few months ago, I gave a talk for a women’s faith group on the importance of Sabbath time, and half-jokingly remarked that perhaps my next book would be entitled, “I could tell you, but you’re not going to like it.”  On reflection, maybe that’s not such a bad theme and I herein copyright that title.  So, here begins a series of indeterminate length addressing a variety of topics involving mental health, family life, relationships, and personal development that will include, at least for some people, something useful that may not sound very pleasant, or even seem not worth the effort. This being only for entertainment and not professional advice, that’s certainly fine; and given that reading this is free, it may even be worth the price of admission.  

Many parents believe that their child is afflicted with Hyperactivity/Attention Deficit Disorder (ADHD). This is a mental disorder, its parameters laid out by the American Psychiatric Association, and is most often diagnosed by a list of behavior patterns, all of which drive adults absolutely batty. In the next couple of blog posts, I’ll be laying out some specific steps with which you can experiment, as a parent, to see if these free, simple changes bring about positive changes in your child’s attention, focus, mood and general demeanor. The good news: these will help any child thrive.

If your child is exhibiting symptoms of ADHD, then your first stop should be your pediatrician’s office to rule out health reasons, such as blood sugar issues, lead poisoning, and anemia, that can cause behavior problems and poor focus.

Assuming your child is healthy, and the following meets your pediatrician’s approval, the critical first step for you and your child will be to address the almost certain sleep deprivation that pervades the household.  Start with some math: determine what time you and your child have to leave to begin the school and work day, and deduct 1 to 1.5 hours from that time.  That is the desired wake-up time for your child. Your wake-up time should be at least 30 minutes prior, so you can have some quiet as you ease into your day for prayer, meditation, or a cup of coffee, perhaps with your spouse.  If your child is in elementary school, wind back 9 to 10 hours from their targeted wake-up time. That is their time to be in bed. If you have a child who fights bedtime and sleep, I’d try 10 hours and let them read or journal – no electronics – quietly in their room and not be concerned about when they turn off the lights. They will learn, by being cranky and too tired in the morning, what happens when they stay up too late.  Your bedtime should be about 1 to 1.5 hours after theirs, giving you some time for conversation, reading, and perhaps a few quiet chores.  No screen time or fighting; either of these will impel your child to stay awake to either not miss the fun of screen time or to interfere with fighting.

Your child needs that time in the morning to get right out of bed, attend to grooming and dressing; they must make up the bed and stash pajamas, eat breakfast, clear the dishes, and perhaps do one simple chore:  fresh water for the pets, wiping the table, etc.  They should begin their day without rushing. No screens before school! This will leave time for play that helps meet the minimum 2 hours of active play children need for healthy brain development. If you’re lucky enough to have a fenced-in back yard, they can romp outdoors, toss a ball, jump rope, etc. until about 10 minutes before it’s time to leave for school. If you live in a condo or apartment, then you’ll have to be more creative: explore dancing, games such as desktop corn hole (yes, it exists; I have one for family sessions at the office. It cost $5.00), tai chi, yoga, or other activities that can be adapted for children and are safe indoors.

You will get plenty of push-back. No doubt you are arguing as you read this, generating reasons this can’t work for you. They have activities that run too late; they’re used to watching screens while eating, etc. You don’t want to give up your screen time, either.

A comment on that: four hours of recreational screen time per day comes to more than 2 weeks’ worth of 8-hour work days each month.  Surely you have things you’d rather do with a free 2 work weeks each month than see what someone you went to high school with had for dinner or read the tenth rehash of the day of a news story?

This challenge is like a marathon: it’s simple, not easy.  It will be hard.

Optimally, try these changes for a month before you give up. Do not vary your weekend rise/bed times by more than one hour.  After a month, assess if the change has been helpful for you or your child.

On Being “Beyond”

I’ve been thinking a lot lately on being beyond. Beyond what, you might ask, and I’m sorting that out. Basically, though, it started with realizing that I am now in that great blob of the population described so often as “beyond.” As in the headlines on the covers of women’s magazines,

“Get glowing skin! Customized tips for your thirties, forties, fifties and beyond!”

“Walking for Fitness at Any Age! Belly-busting strategies for your thirties, forties, fifties, and beyond!”

I don’t know the extent to which men are burdened with this. I can imagine, though:

“Get ripped! Washboard abs workouts for your thirties, forties, fifties and beyond!”

Yeah, I’m beyond.

It sounds sort of like a super hero, as if at 60 – when we enter into Beyond – we ought to get a cape. I have a cape – Irish wool, very warm. If you think that sounds more cozy than conquering, you haven’t met enough Irish women. (Note to would-be inventors of Beyond Woman action figures: spare us the wasp waist. We have the usual age-related spinal compression plus hormonally driven fat redistribution. Keep it real, that’s all we’re asking.  Because we are fine, better than fine, and in fact, beyond – just the way we are.)

It’s quite comical that the apparently youngish people who write so much media content put the newly 60s, the 60-year-olds’ mothers, their aunts, and centenarians all into one category, while the decades earlier are carefully delineated as if the difference between, say, 39 and 41 comprises dramatically more difference than between a 60-year-old and any given 80-year-old woman, and between that woman and a centenarian. It seems to reflect a silly and self-absorbed presumption about the nuances of midlife compared to the daily warfare of old age.

The implication is that, well, now you’re old and one old person is the same as the other. That is clearly ridiculous; there is far more difference between any two senior citizens than between any two 20-year-olds.  How could there not be? Life has been unfolding, every day full of experiences that compound the differences.  Every decision about habits, relationships, effort, sloth, etc., multiplies and intersects into complex and unintended consequences.  If you are 30 and reading this, consider how different you are from the people who were your best friends in high school, just 12 years ago. Wait another 30 years of daily choices and the ramifications of those choices, plus the unexpected and random events of life, and the differences between you will be inestimable.  

So, what does it mean, being beyond?  Well, the ones I speak with are beyond thinking they are in some sort of competition with the whole world.  They are beyond equally valuing everyone’s opinions; they stop craving indiscriminate approval. They are beyond getting aggravated about the minor speed bumps of daily life and getting tangled up in knots over every bit of bad news.  They are beyond thinking that social media alerts outweigh the person we’re talking with now. They have long been beyond pretending that cynicism is the same as wisdom.

All this means freedom: freedom to play freely with children without worrying about our dignity, sing in our cars, and ask questions without worrying we’ll look stupid. We adapt to what our bodies can and can’t do today. We can be creative because it doesn’t matter if other people don’t like what we paint or draw or bake or build. And, out of that freedom, we can offer encouragement and hope to people who are still trapped in the completely voluntary constrictions of being not-yet-beyond.

And so, here’s to being beyond, with all its freedom, challenges and gifts. 

What about you? What does being beyond mean – and will you wait until a magazine editor says you’re there to enjoy it?