Tag Archives: change

What are you waiting for?

The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy asserts that the typical couple coming in for counseling has had difficulties for over five years…which makes me wonder, what are they waiting for?

There are a lot of seemingly perfectly sensible reasons to postpone counseling when things start to go awry:

“It’s expensive.” This is true; counseling does cost money and relationship counseling is an out-of-pocket expense. Still, most therapists are cheaper than two retainers, two divorce attorneys, a mediator, a parent coordinator, etc…

“I don’t want to be told what to do.” Well, a good therapist isn’t just going to tell you what to do. A therapist is going to be asking a lot of questions, having you fill out a lot of questionnaires, and trying to develop a very clear picture of your relationship’s specific strengths and the particular types of problems each of you identify. That way, research-recommended approaches can be matched to the problem(s) of the particular couple.

Fear. Don’t a lot of people fear that it’s going to be like that old Simpsons episode, where, after Marge vents for hours, the therapist turns to Homer and says something to the effect of, “I’ve never said this before, but it really is all your fault.” That’s not what happens in real life.

Shame. So many people suffer with shame over the difficulties they are having. Marital difficulties feel like a failure. Yet, if marital problems were some rare, shameful thing, why are there so many marital therapists? We have our own doctoral programs, professional licensure, and organizations. Beyond that, other non-specialists in the mental health professions also offer couples counseling.   Shame can be overcome by getting help and feeling less alone in the suffering.

The Ostrich. Just try to ignore it and hope it goes away: the addiction, the affair, the endless disputes about parenting or money or values and ethics. Some things, ignored, will go away: a minor cold, a pimple, a minor aggravation of the day. Other things, though, just fester and turn into a nasty emotional infection: resentment, trauma, guilt, hurt.

If your relationship is suffering from feelings of distance and disconnect, or seems to be a vortex of repetitive arguments, counseling could be very effective. Often, five or six appointments, spread out over four to six months, can make a world of difference when both parties are willing to work at changing patterns of behavior and experimenting with new ways of interacting.

It’s important to find a counselor who is a good fit. Call a few of us; talk for a few minutes; get a sense of style and see who seems like a good fit for the two of you.

Be bold. Push past shame and fear; challenge your inner ostrich. Then start to feel happy again.

 

Dr. Lori Puterbaugh

© 2016

Posts are for information and entertainment purposes only and should not be construed to be therapeutic advice. If you are in need of mental health assistance, please contact a licensed professional in your area.

Toxic Myths, revisited

A lot of people ask about toxic myths: what does that mean? Why “myths?” (I’d like to say, well, buy the book, and sometimes do).

The toxic myths are examples of lies dressed up as truths. Our culture is seething with them, but in Toxic Mythology, I only addressed a few.

For example, consider the myth that people can compartmentalize their lives. Someone can, within this myth, be an absolute scoundrel in their personal life but supposedly be capable of being completely trustworthy and honorable in their public/vocational role.   Conversely, they can (per the myth, at least) be a sociopath in their professional life but be kind, tender and good in private.

So…if you buy this myth, you have to be willing to:

Vote for someone who swears to uphold a particular principle while having a personal and/or professional life littered with betrayals and a habit of acting on expediency, not principle;

Believe your child who promises she didn’t really cheat on that exam or plagiarize on the paper (despite the software evidence) after same child was grounded for “borrowing” money out of your wallet without permission.

Keep on an employee whom you overhear lie to customers because you haven’t caught that employee lying to you.

Convince yourself that your gossipy acquaintance never, ever would talk about YOU behind your back.

Does any of that sound reasonable? Of course not; these are, however, the toxic myth in action. Our culture tells us that it’s perfectly reasonable to believe that compartmentalization of character is possible and (further) that we should be “judgmental.” That’s another myth for another day.

 

Dr. Lori Puterbaugh

© 2016

Posts are for information and entertainment purposes only and should not be construed to be therapeutic advice. If you are in need of mental health assistance, please contact a licensed professional in your area.

Mental Health, Well-Being, and Responsibility

More about personal responsibility in regards to mental health and well-being…

Have you noticed how often people talk about things they do as if they were events that happened. It’s as if “stuff happened,” and they were just hapless victims of circumstances. Note, I am talking about the things people actually DO – not things that really do happen to them.

“I got to work (or class, or church, or wherever) late.” A more accurate description would be, “I decided to do (some category of activity) rather than leave on time.” Maybe it was staying in bed, maybe it was “one more chore,” but the person decided to do something and thus the lateness.

Someone complains, “I woke up with a hangover,” when, of course, the reality is, “I decided to drink to a point where I knew I would feel lousy today but last night it seemed like a really good idea.”

“The (whatever task – homework, a chore, etc.) didn’t get done.” What really happened? The person decided to do something else, or a whole bunch of something elses, rather than that pesky task.

So, one way to improve one’s well-being is to simply start taking responsibility for choices. I might decide to have a brownie ice cream sundae for breakfast, and if so, I should say I am deciding to have this instead of scrambled egg whites with cheese. The brownie sundae, in all its wonderful deliciousness, will not just happen to me by accident, without warning.

I can decide to sit and stew about something that bothers me or I can decide to try to focus on some other activity and decide that I will figure out what to do about a particular problem when I’m in a better frame of mind. I get to decide; an hour spent stewing is something I can choose, or maybe I can choose to do something else instead.

You can decide to be in a relationship with someone who is toxic and mean, or not.

You can decide whether to seek help in parenting strategies, or throw up your hands in despair, or try the consequence-of-the-week approach except for when you’re too tired to argue.

You can decide whether to join a grief support group or suffer in silence and loneliness.

The act of owning a decision gives a greater sense of control, because if you decided one thing today, you might decide something else in five minutes, or tomorrow, or next week. If stuff just happens to you, you have no control, and thus must sit around being helpless, hoping for better luck next time.

Luck is an iffy plan.

It would be better to decide.

 

 

Dr. Lori Puterbaugh

© 2016

Posts are for information and entertainment purposes only and should not be construed to be therapeutic advice. If you are in need of mental health assistance, please contact a licensed professional in your area.

Personal Responsibility and Mental Health

This is another reflection on the Florida Adlerian Society’s annual conference last Friday. One of the primary speakers emphasized the role of personal responsibility in mental health. I can imagine, taken out of context, how brutal that might sound. “Are we now blaming victims and ill people for their woes?” the person exposed to just that sound bite might wonder. “Is that what mental health professionals believe?”

The short answer is no, that’s not what we believe.

Embracing free will and the dignity of each person, however, ineluctably leads one to emphasize the role of personal responsibility in how one deals with what happens in life. This isn’t something new: it is ancient philosophy dressed up in psychotherapy clothes. So, while someone may suffer terrible misfortunes outside of their control, the impetus to decide what to do about it is within them. Seek help, or sink into despair? Reach up to grasp a hand, or reach out for a bottle, or needle, or some other vial of trouble?

Sometimes people do have some personal responsibility for what happens, and indulge in magical thinking in which bad things just randomly happen to them. I recall a person I met many years ago who got into trouble for buying drugs. He complained about the injustice of the level of trouble; he didn’t mean to do it. It just happened. (I’m pretty much quoting here.) I asked, how do you buy drugs by accident? How do you take a peaceful stroll around your neighborhood and accidentally end up lurking behind a shopping center chatting with the type of entrepreneurs who set up shop near dumpsters and concrete walls? Acting like there is no personal responsibility means that there is no effort to make things better. It’s just a lot of bad luck, from his perspective; no reason to change because you can’t change “luck.”

Often, though, human suffering is due to others’ actions. Just the same, an adult has some power to effect change. The responsibility is not for others’ bad actions, but to take some sort of action to help oneself. Sometimes people evade taking responsibility to make change because it will be uncomfortable, or embarrassing, or mean that they have to admit that at some earlier point they were wrong. Breaking off a destructive friendship or leaving a toxic work environment can be very challenging for a host of reasons, and leaving an abusive relationship can be dangerous. Reach out and get help. If the first, or second, or third person you go to for help is clueless – keep looking for the right help.

Typically, people do things that undercut happiness and health in some way and evade responsibility. People have habits that cause insomnia, for example, and complain, as if poor sleep side-tackled them in the hallway due to no fault of their own. We take on extra activities and complain about being too busy. People fail to set limits with their kids and then yell and throw consequences around when their children are irresponsible, disrespectful and unpleasant to be around. People make choices all day, often on auto-pilot, and a great many of us are prone to griping about all sorts of situations that result, as if stuff just happens without cause. Yes, of course, sometimes, stuff does happen…but, if you’re always five minutes late…that’s you. Not the traffic, not the cat, not the dog…it’s you. If your friends are inconsiderate, that’s not your fault, but it is your problem if you keep tolerating it. If you do tolerate it, then take responsibility for it and stop complaining. “Yes, good old Joe is always late but that’s just him; it’s not personal.” You’ve decided to accept it. Stop griping. If you can’t stop griping, you haven’t accepted it. If you can’t accept it, then do something: leave when he’s late. Put your foot down. Tell him off. Lie about what time you’re meeting and get there late yourself (it might work, once). Whatever; if you’re not prepared to do something about it then face that you have decided to let Joe be chronically late without regard for your preferences or schedule because you have decided tolerating it beats the alternatives you’ve identified of annoying Joe or losing his friendship.

Narrowing it down to mental health, whatever a person is suffering, help is available. How one lives is always part of healing. Proper amounts of exercise, sleep and nutrition are part of it, and things for which most people can take some responsibility. Seeking right guidance requires making choices. Unless you belong to a professional mental health association, your friends might not be the best source of professional advice on the specific strategies, to, for example, use mindfulness training, exercise and specific cognitive therapy techniques to rewire your brain and reduce obsessive-compulsive symptoms. You get to choose. That’s not blaming you for your suffering, but it is saying that you have the freedom, responsibility, and capacity to move towards healing.

 

Dr. Lori Puterbaugh

© 2016

Posts are for information and entertainment purposes only and should not be construed to be therapeutic advice. If you are in need of mental health assistance, please contact a licensed professional in your area.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy: So Much More than Positive Thinking

It’s more than just positive thinking

A smart, thoughtful person mentioned the other day, in conversation, that Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) seems to be just “the power of positive thinking.” That’s probably what it sounds like when it gets boiled down to a sound bite…but in reality, it’s so much more. There are many excellent resources out there, so I won’t attempt to tackle the whole topic here. A brief example, though, on the difference between CBT and simple positive thinking, might help.

In CBT, we are indeed looking for patterns of negative thinking. These are identified, and then we dig down to the underlying thoughts. From there, the challenging and reforming of particular thoughts begins. Then comes the hard work of rehearsing those new thoughts.

Consider, for example, an adult who is very anxious about grades in college. This student is up late studying, preoccupied with grades, and anxious to the point of headaches and nausea before tests. The student feels terrible, of course. The top layer of thinking probably includes themes such as, “I have to do well,” or, “This is too important to fail.” The level of distress the client feels, though, seems out of proportion; the client is sick and nauseated over A- or B+ grades. Digging deeper, the client turns out to have buried beliefs such as, “Perfect or failure – no in-between,” or, “Hero or zero,” or, “No one loves a loser.” Thus, the A- feels like a failure and even a threat to love and security. Those aren’t conscious thoughts: no reasonable grownup thinks, “Oh, no one can love me because I got an A-!” It’s more of a personal belief, often acquired early in life, which became the background to many experiences.

You can see that trying to be “positive” about the top layer thoughts might seem silly: “Oh, it’s fine to fail,” or, “It’s OK for me to not do well.” The client cannot buy into that. However, a deeply held belief – that one is either perfect or a complete and utter failure – merits serious attention, and probably underlies many difficulties for this client. Thus CBT starts it work – which is much more complex than presented here – by seeking the foundational troubling beliefs that are leading to the negative thinking.

As I noted – this is a cursory glance at one aspect of CBT. It is a well-researched method of treating anxiety, OCD, depression, and other difficulties. If it seems as if it might be helpful for you, please see appropriate professional guidance.

Dr. Lori Puterbaugh

© 2016

Posts are for information and entertainment purposes only and should not be construed to be therapeutic advice. If you are in need of mental health assistance, please contact a licensed professional in your area.

…and still more decisions!

Decisions, decisions!

Our nephew and his wife are considering relocating. Given their jobs, they are employable just about anywhere – so the choices are as vast as these United States. They’ve created a spreadsheet to rate the places they are considering on a variety of factors: climate, culture, length of commute, ease of accessing travel to family back home…we’re looking forward to seeing how they narrow their choices as they visit cities and rate them across variables.

It’s a useful way of making difficult choices where there isn’t an obvious “right” or “wrong” choice to make. Take the job that makes less money but is more satisfying and allows for more flexibility, or take the higher-paying job that provides better long-term financial security? Take a second job or scale back on expenses? Move far from family or stay close? The problem, of course, is even ranking how important the factors are, really, in the first place.

Maybe deciding on a job isn’t the right example for you. Perhaps you have to decide on whether to downsize or stay put, or which school to attend. Whenever there are multiple factors to compare, weighing the factors in importance to you can help narrow the choice. Writing it all down – in a chart, or listing – can help, because then it’s in front of you, not rattling around in your head, where it keeps butting into whatever else you’re trying to manage in life.

Then, too, sometimes making decisions is complicated by stress and fatigue. If you’ve ever felt overwhelmed and too hungry to pick something to eat, you’ve been in this state. Likewise, trying to figure out what task to handle first, when everything seems overwhelming. Just doing something – even if you change your mind and revert to a different task – is better than paralysis.

Some people are able to make decisions quickly and easily; for others, the fear of making the wrong decision impacts even minor choices where “wrong” would be, at best, a minor disappointment. If you’re the kind of person who gets stuck in decision making, experiment with some other ways to organize the choices: a spreadsheet or simple paper and pencil chart or list, or focus on what is most important to you as a factor, or, for minor issues, take action and see if that is the better option or if starting in the wrong direction helped you discern, quickly, the right path to take.

Of course, if anxiety is interfering with basic decision-making, please consult a professional.

 

 

 

Dr. Lori Puterbaugh

© 2016

Posts are for information and entertainment purposes only and should not be construed to be therapeutic advice. If you are in need of mental health assistance, please contact a licensed professional in your area.

Getting over getting stuck…when change is hard

Sitting on the fence?

Making a change can be hard. The reasons change can be so difficult vary, from person to person, and from situation to situation.

Sometimes people mistake passing discomfort for unbearable distress, and thus the degree of suffering that change seems to require just doesn’t seem worth the payoff. Nicotine addiction and its withdrawal is a common example of this, but there are many.

Sometimes, people’s pride gets in the way. If I’ve been doing some behavior for years, and now I change – am I admitting that I was mistaken in the past? That I was wrong? So people hesitate to make changes they want to make because, deep down, they don’t want to be seen as “hypocritical,” as if maturing and thus having a different (better!?) perspective were a sign of weakness instead of strength.

Sometimes, it’s hard to imagine the benefits. Let’s take the example of a sedentary person. Their doctor, family, and the world all seem in collusion: they need to get moving and get fit. If a person has not been fit in a long time, they may be rationalizing how they feel as “normal.” They have forgotten what it feels like to have an abundance of energy, to not feel wearied by routine chores, and to sleep well. Because they cannot really imagine these benefits, they do not seem to outweigh the here-and-now comfort of a cozy bed on a cold morning.

There are other reasons that positive changes can be so hard to make.   Identifying your particular type of hurdle helps you strategize to overcome it, because making change isn’t a one-size-fits-all process.

Dr. Lori Puterbaugh

© 2016

Posts are for information and entertainment purposes only and should not be construed to be therapeutic advice. If you are in need of mental health assistance, please contact a licensed professional in your area.

Thoughts on Lent…

It’s Ash Wednesday, the beginning of the Christian 40-day period of spiritual boot camp. For a few weeks, the normal, daily practices of various forms of prayer, fasting/self-denial and almsgiving are supposed to be kicked up a notch. The point of such actions, as Thomas Merton wrote, is not to become a “spiritual athlete” but to push aside trivial things and focus on Who, and what, ultimately matters.

For Christians, the increased on focus on prayer highlights our need to grow in faith. Fasting and other forms of self-denial teach us to trust God – to have hope, rather than an inflated notion of self-reliance. Almsgiving pushes us to love others without conditions or recognition.

All pretty hard stuff, actually.

What if you’re not Christian, or a Christian from a denomination that isn’t particularly engaged in the Lenten season? What about you? Is it still useful to have some sort of extended period of intensive work on bettering yourself in whatever areas you could use a little boost? No doubt a loved one, or perhaps your coworkers, physician, or dental hygienist have suggestions for your improvement. Odds are, the answer for most of us is, yes – sometimes ramping things up for a set period of time is enough to break a bad habit, start a good habit, and have a target date in mind for a shift in perspective to take hold.

Have a Lent that is a season of growth or, if not Lent – have a personal boot camp.

 

Dr. Lori Puterbaugh

© 2016

Posts are for information and entertainment purposes only and should not be construed to be therapeutic advice. If you are in need of mental health assistance, please contact a licensed professional in your area.

Way 31/Day 31: Make it a great year: Ask for feedback…and use it

Some of us remember former NYC Mayor Ed Koch, who would famously ask, “How am I doing?” and get loud feedback from everyday people nearby. That seems useful for someone who is a public servant. For most of us, just randomly asking strangers how we’re doing seems more irrational than reasonable.

We all have people close to us, though, who do have a sense of how we’re doing, and perhaps more than we do. “Jane” thinks she’s doing fine, and managing well, but her husband “Joe” sees that she is frazzled, irritable, and apt to burst into tears of helpless frustration every couple of days. Meanwhile, “Joe” thinks his Ironman training is going fantastically – and doesn’t realize that he is nodding off mid-conversation, grouchy and distracted during what little time he does find for family. The conversation is likely to become pretty unpleasant, very quickly, if they decide to sit down and tell each other what they need to do differently or what seems “wrong with you.”

It’s hard to do, but asking someone for honest feedback – someone whom you can trust to describe what they observe without slamming you or criticizing you – can be a real insight into how we seem to be doing. It’s information, after all, and, if you trust the source, it merits careful reflection – not immediate rejection. If Jane comments, gently, on Joe’s tendency to be exhausted and grouchy, he might tend to imagine he’s hearing a death-knell for his Ironman dream. No, he’s hearing that something about the balance of training, work, and home life is leading to his being so tired that the people who love him miss his (awake, ungrouchy) presence. How can he get some of that back for all of them, including himself? If Joe expresses concern about Jane’s seeming awfully stressed out these days, she is apt to hear still more criticism and feel defensive, when she’s really hearing concern.

Find one, or two, or three, people whose feedback you can trust to be in your best interest and fairly accurate…and at least take it into consideration. Better yet, sincerely try it on and see if it fits, and if so…use it.

Make it a great year!

Dr. Lori Puterbaugh

© 2016

Posts are for information and entertainment purposes only and should not be construed to be therapeutic advice. If you are in need of mental health assistance, please contact a licensed professional in your area.

Way 30, Day 30: Make it a great year: Let go of having to have an opinion on everything

A lot of us grew up hearing well-intentioned grownups say things like, “Stand up for yourself! Your opinion is as good as anyone else’s!” This was supposed to build up self-esteem but it can end up creating narcissism or, if not to that level of pathology, a very disagreeable arrogance.

An opinion, after all, is supposed to be based on knowledge. It’s different than a preference, which is more a matter of liking something. So I might have an opinion that one kind of food is healthier (based on facts) but have a tremendous preference for another (based on its taste).

In Toxic Mythology (© 2015), I addressed this for a full chapter. You have no doubt encountered people who have opinions on everything, even if they have no real knowledge on which to base that opinion. An opinion, after all, is supposed to be based on knowledge and expertise. Its value (to others) comes from that knowledge and expertise.   I suspect that a lot of people feel anxious about not having an opinion, as if it means they are foolish, uninformed, or wishy-washy. If it’s something critical to your life, then you probably ought to be doing the homework to develop an informed opinion. If it is something about which you have no interest and no need for interest, why do you care? Is your insecurity about being judged leading you to pass judgment on things and situations about which you have insufficient information?

Punt on having an opinion when you’re lacking information. It’s easier than you might think:

“I don’t know enough about that topic to have an opinion. What are your thoughts?”

“I haven’t looked it into sufficiently to really have a full picture. What sources would you recommend?”

See, that was easy.

Dr. Lori Puterbaugh

© 2016

Posts are for information and entertainment purposes only and should not be construed to be therapeutic advice. If you are in need of mental health assistance, please contact a licensed professional in your area.