Tag Archives: confidence

Decisions, decisions!

Choices are good, right? Until they’re bad.

Too many choices becomes overwhelming. We can see the results of seemingly endless choices and information when we, or someone we know, gets lost in hours/days/weeks-long process of sorting through online reviews and information in the attempt to make a decision that might have been made over a dinner conversation twenty years ago. Grownups have problems with this, and yet so many parents inflict too many choices on their children.

It’s important for children to learn to make choices and endure the consequences in small, safe, age-appropriate doses. It’s also important for children to feel like the grownups are running the show. Offering opportunities to make choices – within defined parameters – and then sticking with those choices, are great learning experiences for children.

Consider asking a five-year-old:

“Would you like applesauce or yogurt for a snack?” versus, “What would you like for snack?”

What are the odds the child isn’t going to go for fruit or low-fat dairy and will instead choose something the parent wasn’t planning to provide? With so many modern parents afraid of upsetting their children and overly eager to have their children’s approval, children are left without anyone big and safe to place limits around their world. Temper tantrums, anxiety, and entitlement are often the results.

Children benefit from parameters and calm grownups being in charge. A calm, in-charge grownup can offer safe, appropriate opportunities to learn decision-making skills and learn to live with the consequences.

Dr. Lori Puterbaugh

© 2016

Posts are for information and entertainment purposes only and should not be construed to be therapeutic advice. If you are in need of mental health assistance, please contact a licensed professional in your area.

Getting over getting stuck…when change is hard

Sitting on the fence?

Making a change can be hard. The reasons change can be so difficult vary, from person to person, and from situation to situation.

Sometimes people mistake passing discomfort for unbearable distress, and thus the degree of suffering that change seems to require just doesn’t seem worth the payoff. Nicotine addiction and its withdrawal is a common example of this, but there are many.

Sometimes, people’s pride gets in the way. If I’ve been doing some behavior for years, and now I change – am I admitting that I was mistaken in the past? That I was wrong? So people hesitate to make changes they want to make because, deep down, they don’t want to be seen as “hypocritical,” as if maturing and thus having a different (better!?) perspective were a sign of weakness instead of strength.

Sometimes, it’s hard to imagine the benefits. Let’s take the example of a sedentary person. Their doctor, family, and the world all seem in collusion: they need to get moving and get fit. If a person has not been fit in a long time, they may be rationalizing how they feel as “normal.” They have forgotten what it feels like to have an abundance of energy, to not feel wearied by routine chores, and to sleep well. Because they cannot really imagine these benefits, they do not seem to outweigh the here-and-now comfort of a cozy bed on a cold morning.

There are other reasons that positive changes can be so hard to make.   Identifying your particular type of hurdle helps you strategize to overcome it, because making change isn’t a one-size-fits-all process.

Dr. Lori Puterbaugh

© 2016

Posts are for information and entertainment purposes only and should not be construed to be therapeutic advice. If you are in need of mental health assistance, please contact a licensed professional in your area.

Way 31/Day 31: Make it a great year: Ask for feedback…and use it

Some of us remember former NYC Mayor Ed Koch, who would famously ask, “How am I doing?” and get loud feedback from everyday people nearby. That seems useful for someone who is a public servant. For most of us, just randomly asking strangers how we’re doing seems more irrational than reasonable.

We all have people close to us, though, who do have a sense of how we’re doing, and perhaps more than we do. “Jane” thinks she’s doing fine, and managing well, but her husband “Joe” sees that she is frazzled, irritable, and apt to burst into tears of helpless frustration every couple of days. Meanwhile, “Joe” thinks his Ironman training is going fantastically – and doesn’t realize that he is nodding off mid-conversation, grouchy and distracted during what little time he does find for family. The conversation is likely to become pretty unpleasant, very quickly, if they decide to sit down and tell each other what they need to do differently or what seems “wrong with you.”

It’s hard to do, but asking someone for honest feedback – someone whom you can trust to describe what they observe without slamming you or criticizing you – can be a real insight into how we seem to be doing. It’s information, after all, and, if you trust the source, it merits careful reflection – not immediate rejection. If Jane comments, gently, on Joe’s tendency to be exhausted and grouchy, he might tend to imagine he’s hearing a death-knell for his Ironman dream. No, he’s hearing that something about the balance of training, work, and home life is leading to his being so tired that the people who love him miss his (awake, ungrouchy) presence. How can he get some of that back for all of them, including himself? If Joe expresses concern about Jane’s seeming awfully stressed out these days, she is apt to hear still more criticism and feel defensive, when she’s really hearing concern.

Find one, or two, or three, people whose feedback you can trust to be in your best interest and fairly accurate…and at least take it into consideration. Better yet, sincerely try it on and see if it fits, and if so…use it.

Make it a great year!

Dr. Lori Puterbaugh

© 2016

Posts are for information and entertainment purposes only and should not be construed to be therapeutic advice. If you are in need of mental health assistance, please contact a licensed professional in your area.

Way 30, Day 30: Make it a great year: Let go of having to have an opinion on everything

A lot of us grew up hearing well-intentioned grownups say things like, “Stand up for yourself! Your opinion is as good as anyone else’s!” This was supposed to build up self-esteem but it can end up creating narcissism or, if not to that level of pathology, a very disagreeable arrogance.

An opinion, after all, is supposed to be based on knowledge. It’s different than a preference, which is more a matter of liking something. So I might have an opinion that one kind of food is healthier (based on facts) but have a tremendous preference for another (based on its taste).

In Toxic Mythology (© 2015), I addressed this for a full chapter. You have no doubt encountered people who have opinions on everything, even if they have no real knowledge on which to base that opinion. An opinion, after all, is supposed to be based on knowledge and expertise. Its value (to others) comes from that knowledge and expertise.   I suspect that a lot of people feel anxious about not having an opinion, as if it means they are foolish, uninformed, or wishy-washy. If it’s something critical to your life, then you probably ought to be doing the homework to develop an informed opinion. If it is something about which you have no interest and no need for interest, why do you care? Is your insecurity about being judged leading you to pass judgment on things and situations about which you have insufficient information?

Punt on having an opinion when you’re lacking information. It’s easier than you might think:

“I don’t know enough about that topic to have an opinion. What are your thoughts?”

“I haven’t looked it into sufficiently to really have a full picture. What sources would you recommend?”

See, that was easy.

Dr. Lori Puterbaugh

© 2016

Posts are for information and entertainment purposes only and should not be construed to be therapeutic advice. If you are in need of mental health assistance, please contact a licensed professional in your area.

Way 28/Day 28: Make it a great year: Corral those bup-ponies.

Oh, admit it.

You’ve got bup-ponies.

You don’t think so?

Ask a little kid about why they did something wrong. You’ll hear things like,

“Yeah, bup-pony, he hit me first.”

“Bup-pony, she started it.”

“Bup-pony, it’s too hard to (clean my room, do my homework, feed the cat, etc.).”

Well, grownups have bup-ponies but we think ours are all very sensible and realistic, not like those imaginary bup-ponies that kids have. We have reasons, not excuses; we are rational, not defensive…Bup-pony, sometimes our reasons are not as powerful as we imagine. They are fears and excuses playing dress-up.

So make it a great year; get a lasso on those bup-ponies.

Dr. Lori Puterbaugh

© 2016

Posts are for information and entertainment purposes only and should not be construed to be therapeutic advice. If you are in need of mental health assistance, please contact a licensed professional in your area.

Way 26/Day 26: Make it a great year: Live “as if”

How many people do you know who are postponing what they supposedly want to do/be until some mystical, mythical event has transpired, or a change has happened?

They’ll get in shape…once they start smoking.

They’ll get along better as a family…once the last kid is through those messy teen years.

They’ll get back to reading/art/gardening when…something.

They’ll be able to take better care of themselves when the job/relationship/weather cooperates.

…and we all know that when the weather cooperates or the teenager grows up and goes to college, there will be some new reason that makes perfectly good sense, for why the couple barely speak or the smoking continues or the brain hasn’t been challenged by a new author in ten years.

Make it a great year by living as if:

Today, act as if your family gets along.

Today, act as if you are already taking better care of yourself.

Today, act as if you are actually preparing for some major change by doing one concrete, specific thing that gets you closer to that goal.

Make it a great day. Do that 366 times and you have a great (leap) year.

Dr. Lori Puterbaugh

© 2016

Posts are for information and entertainment purposes only and should not be construed to be therapeutic advice. If you are in need of mental health assistance, please contact a licensed professional in your area.

Way 25/Day 25: Make it a great year: Follow your own advice (or keep quiet)

Many people are really, really good at giving advice. (That doesn’t meant they are necessarily good at giving good advice, though!) Some of them keep their advice to themselves, but most people have pretty strong opinions about what other people ought to do –the way they drive, how to handle relationships, how to overcome bad habits…you name it.

If you think about the pattern of advice you either give or keep to yourself, you might notice a particular pattern, or a couple of patterns, are dominant. “Lighten up,” you grumble inside about a cranky boss, a whiny coworker or perpetually dissatisfied family member. “Get over it and move on; it’s probably for the best,” you urge the friend with the broken heart, the family member who didn’t get a promotion…

Maybe the advice is meant for you.

Often the traits that drive us craziest about others are the things we struggle against within ourselves.

Make it a great year; reflect on your own (perhaps silent) advice for others and how it fits something you need to take of within yourself.

Dr. Lori Puterbaugh

© 2016

Posts are for information and entertainment purposes only and should not be construed to be therapeutic advice. If you are in need of mental health assistance, please contact a licensed professional in your area.

Way 23/Day 23: Make it simple.

Make it a great year – simplify…something.

People like to have things complicated. Oh, we say we don’t – we read “Real Simple” and make anti-clutter books bestsellers and have all sorts of gadgets with all kinds of apps that are supposed to make things simpler. It seems, though, that a lot of the time we’re putting a lot of complication on top of what could be simple.

Pick something and just make it simple. Maybe it’s your breakfast routine, maybe it’s streamlining housework. Really simplify it – don’t just incorporate a lot of gimmicks. Experiment. Be flexible. Check to see how simplifying in that particular realm works for you. If having the same menu every week for the work nights makes life easier and no one is crying over having to suffer through pizza every Friday, well…does it make things from grocery shopping to planning the evening a bit simpler? Maybe you’re not going to be Steve Jobs or Mark Zuckerberg and adopt a personal uniform to wear every day, but on the other hand…is there an opportunity there to make things simpler?

Every decision takes mental energy. Our brains automatically seek to put things on “auto-pilot” to reserve focus for critical issues. Find ways to cooperate with that survival-friendly function and free up energy, deliberately, for something more compelling than “What to wear?” or, “Gee, what do we feel like eating?”

Dr. Lori Puterbaugh

© 2016

Posts are for information and entertainment purposes only and should not be construed to be therapeutic advice. If you are in need of mental health assistance, please contact a licensed professional in your area.

Day 22/Way 22: Make it a great year: Invite your 8-year-old self to visit

In the 2000 Disney movie The Kid, Bruce Willis’ character’s 8-year-old self magically drops into his life. The child is not impressed with his grown-up self’s shallow but successful life. The boy wants to know: where’s their truck? Their dog? And isn’t there supposed to be a lady here?

“So let me get this straight, I’m 40, I’m not married, and I don’t have a dog??? I grow up to be a LOSER,” the 8-year-old shouts to the 40-year old version of himself.

In other words, where are the things I/we wanted when we were kids? Why are you making me settle for so much less (it’s a fancy house in a la-de-da neighborhood with a snazzy sports car, etc., but apparently not fun)?

Would your 8-year-old self be happy with how things turned out? Would you be disappointed?

This is different from the regrettably named “bucket list,” which is a list of things people want to experience before dying. The 8-year-old wasn’t thinking about dying; the 8 year old was dreaming about living. What would your 8 year old self want to say to you about your life? Would your 8 year old self buy any of your reasons (excuses?)? It’s an imaginary conversation that might be worth your while.

…and where IS that dog?

Dr. Lori Puterbaugh

© 2016

Posts are for information and entertainment purposes only and should not be construed to be therapeutic advice. If you are in need of mental health assistance, please contact a licensed professional in your area.

Way 21/Day 21: Make it a great year: Laugh out loud

Depending on the article you pick, children laugh 300-400 times a day (little kids – four or five years old) while adults laugh (again, depending on source, 4 to 18 times a day). Is being a grownup really so awful compared to being a little kid?

Laughing releases endorphins – the body’s natural painkillers and a mood lifter. Sharing humor with other people (not laughing at them) builds connections via shared fun. Throw in some oxytocin, the effect of being in the moment (mindfulness without all that concentration on being mindful) and a lot of other psychology and neurobiology – well, it’s just good for us.

Laughing at people – or being laughed at – is, however, literally poisonous. The habit of feeling and expressing contempt changes the brain to make disdain and a cruel, critical attitude become an ever-easier choice to make. Being the object of contempt batters the human immune system; over time, the person is more susceptible to disease and will experience more, and longer, bouts of even minor illnesses. So for happiness – laugh with, not at, others.

Be around happy people. Let yourself laugh.

Dr. Lori Puterbaugh

© 2016

Posts are for information and entertainment purposes only and should not be construed to be therapeutic advice. If you are in need of mental health assistance, please contact a licensed professional in your area.