Very often, as a therapist, I observe to couples or family members in the therapy room that they are having separate conversations. They think they’re having one conversation, but they are not; the communication wires are crossed and each is addressing what they think the other means, and not what the person actually means. This happens, too, in clinical settings.

Take, for example, my friend “Anna,” (not a client), in her 70s, long-married, who very precisely answered her long-time physician’s query about her sexual preferences with, “Paul Newman, James Garner, and Errol Flynn.”  Hilarious – but not the answer anticipated for the question being asked of her.  Anna discussed this with friends and family later, and wondered, “Why ask me that?”

Her question has merit for two reasons. First, simply because time is scarce. Many people complain about the lack of time with their doctor to discuss their concerns, their symptoms, the confusing test results, the sometimes scary, “What’s next?” (I don’t; I have a great primary care physician.) In Anna’s case, a long-time patient is asked what seems obvious to her and not given an explanation of why it is being asked, while other people feel shortchanged at the time available to discuss the growth on their thyroid or the troubling change in their bloodwork.

Second, her question reinforces how important it is for all of us in the health-related fields to explain why we ask the things we do.  I ask, in the initial paperwork, about friendships, sleep, health problems, job satisfaction, etc.  – things clients sometimes think are irrelevant to what brings them to counseling. I don’t think they are irrelevant; I think that these are essential aspects of well-being, and understanding more about the client’s world helps me to help the client. I state this in the paperwork, with a brief explanation about how understanding a client’s habits, strengths and support systems gives us information to build solutions that fit that particular client.

So perhaps the moral to the story is for healthcare providers to explain why we ask the questions we ask.

And perhaps another moral to the story is, ask those questions very precisely. Because sometimes people will answer exactly the question we asked, and not the one we intended to ask.