Tag Archives: marriage counseling

Never put off until tomorrow…

The American Association for Marriage & Family Therapy now estimates that the average couple seeking therapy has been having problems for over 5 years when they finally make the call. If you’re a math person, that’s 5.5 x 365 days of practicing being hurt, resentful, bitter, etc. Rehearsing that much will make you pretty good at just about anything…which you might remember a parent telling you, repeatedly, about the music lessons you didn’t want. Your brain is changing, becoming better at remembering the bad times, the hurt feelings, the resentments: you become more efficient at bringing up anger and contempt. Meanwhile, the old, tender pathways are less traveled and harder to find.

Some problems are transient, but others are a pattern. It’s not the details, usually, so much as the pattern. If disagreements always seem to take the same, predictable, awful path from sarcasm to shouting to the silent treatment, something needs fixing.

Would you keep driving your car with the engine light on and smoke rolling out from under the hood for five minutes, much less five years?

The brain changes in response to experience. Experience isn’t just what happens to us. It’s also what we’re doing in our own heads (thinking angry vs. kind thoughts, for example). This means that, whether it’s a personal problem like social anxiety, depression or stress, or a relationship problem, we have some control over changing the direction our brain takes, developmentally.

Whatever the problem may be, it’s better to seek effective help early, before it gets out of hand.

 

Dr. Lori Puterbaugh, LMHC, LMFT, NCC

© 2016

Posts are for information and entertainment purposes only and should not be construed to be therapeutic advice. If you are in need of mental health assistance, please contact a licensed professional in your area.

What are you waiting for?

The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy asserts that the typical couple coming in for counseling has had difficulties for over five years…which makes me wonder, what are they waiting for?

There are a lot of seemingly perfectly sensible reasons to postpone counseling when things start to go awry:

“It’s expensive.” This is true; counseling does cost money and relationship counseling is an out-of-pocket expense. Still, most therapists are cheaper than two retainers, two divorce attorneys, a mediator, a parent coordinator, etc…

“I don’t want to be told what to do.” Well, a good therapist isn’t just going to tell you what to do. A therapist is going to be asking a lot of questions, having you fill out a lot of questionnaires, and trying to develop a very clear picture of your relationship’s specific strengths and the particular types of problems each of you identify. That way, research-recommended approaches can be matched to the problem(s) of the particular couple.

Fear. Don’t a lot of people fear that it’s going to be like that old Simpsons episode, where, after Marge vents for hours, the therapist turns to Homer and says something to the effect of, “I’ve never said this before, but it really is all your fault.” That’s not what happens in real life.

Shame. So many people suffer with shame over the difficulties they are having. Marital difficulties feel like a failure. Yet, if marital problems were some rare, shameful thing, why are there so many marital therapists? We have our own doctoral programs, professional licensure, and organizations. Beyond that, other non-specialists in the mental health professions also offer couples counseling.   Shame can be overcome by getting help and feeling less alone in the suffering.

The Ostrich. Just try to ignore it and hope it goes away: the addiction, the affair, the endless disputes about parenting or money or values and ethics. Some things, ignored, will go away: a minor cold, a pimple, a minor aggravation of the day. Other things, though, just fester and turn into a nasty emotional infection: resentment, trauma, guilt, hurt.

If your relationship is suffering from feelings of distance and disconnect, or seems to be a vortex of repetitive arguments, counseling could be very effective. Often, five or six appointments, spread out over four to six months, can make a world of difference when both parties are willing to work at changing patterns of behavior and experimenting with new ways of interacting.

It’s important to find a counselor who is a good fit. Call a few of us; talk for a few minutes; get a sense of style and see who seems like a good fit for the two of you.

Be bold. Push past shame and fear; challenge your inner ostrich. Then start to feel happy again.

 

Dr. Lori Puterbaugh

© 2016

Posts are for information and entertainment purposes only and should not be construed to be therapeutic advice. If you are in need of mental health assistance, please contact a licensed professional in your area.