Years ago, Robert Fulghum assured us that we’d “learned everything we need to know in Kindergarten,” and there is much to be said for his wise perspective. I will springboard from his insights, and posit that, from a marriage and family therapy perspective, I’d pick 4^th grade as the point of expertise. In 4^th grade, at least the first half of the year or so, a certain almost magical blend of circumstances exist. We have a room full of children who on the one hand, often still have one foot solidly in the magical world of childhood. Odds are, a lot of them still believe in Santa, and about 1 in 10 has the occasional, little-kid style nocturnal bedwetting event. They still want grownup approval but are able to collaborate with one another. They can get hung up on one thing to the point of obsession; on the other hand, their intellectual, motor skill and moral development are advanced enough to allow for complex activities. Unlike their kindergarten kin, they are a bit more able to roll with change. Kindergarteners may still be stuck in the normal but adult-maddening “just right” phase of the preschool years made famous by Goldie Locks, in which routines, food, etc., must be “just right.” When grownups get stuck there, we call it Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder. Most 4^th graders are past this stage.

If couples and families ran like the 4^th grade, maybe I’d be out of business. I offer the following for your consideration. See if adhering to these might improve your home life.

Wait your turn. You may have had the most awesome, amazing experience ever…but you still can’t cut in line, interrupt everyone else, or hog the spotlight. While you’re waiting, remember,

No one likes a showoff. It can’t always be about you. Adults who don’t know this have what we now call narcissistic and/or histrionic personality disorders in psychology, but not so long ago we used the much more appropriate term “character disorders.” I was visiting another parish not long ago. There were 31 adorable little kids making their first Holy Communion…and at least two mothers who felt obliged to wear white dresses. What do you bet the altar servers in 4^th grade knew that it wasn’t appropriate for the moms to dress in the same, special color of the day as their kiddos?

It’s not funny to tell mean stories about someone else. No, the subject of the story doesn’t need to “get a sense of humor.” Everyone knows that telling about how someone else did something “stupid” or had a nighttime bedwetting incident at a birthday sleepover or got a bad grade is mean. Keep your passive-aggressive, “funny” stories about your spouse, kids or in-laws to yourself.

Use your inside voice. There’s not a lot of good reasons to yell, use mean words, or otherwise behave in loud, obnoxious ways. Men forget that, being larger, stronger and possessed of deeper voices, they are designed to be scarier than females. They think they’re getting their point across and the children and women are traumatized. It’s genetic: we are supposed to be afraid (and try to escape from) large, loud, seemingly ferocious critters. That would be men when they yell and act out of control, and women from the children’s perspectives.

Everybody has jobs to do. In 4^th grade, everyone has a job to do. The jobs change from time to time, and sometimes you get a job you like and sometimes you get a job you don’t like. Oh, well…life is like that sometimes. Just do your job and look forward to when you have a different job. Tired of diapers? Don’t worry, the terrible twos are just around the corner. In families, everyone should be contributing without payment, because they are all part of the family. No one gets paid for taking the attendance folder down to the office in the morning, and no one should be paid for cleaning up their own toys or taking out the trash.

Be clear about the rules. Around 3^rd and 4^th grade, kids fall in love with rules. Give them time to make up a game, and they will spend 45 minutes negotiating the rules and 15 minutes playing. Fourth grade is a substitute teacher’s dream assignment (I speak from experience!). If any kid tries to play fast and loose with the rules, most of the other kids will be nearly hysterical. By 5^th grade, their pubescent drive for peer approval has shut off this reaction. If you find yourself confused by “rules,” think: expectations, hopes, desires. You don’t think there are “rules” about holidays? Just try shaking up the routine by making reservations for dinner when the “rules” say you’re supposed to eat at your mother-in-law’s house…and like it. Families are full of spoken, and unspoken, rules. Start clarifying them so the playing field is fair, and to give everyone a chance to consider those rules. Parents, this means you: you can’t change the rules arbitrarily or try to wing it as you go along. Every kid knows that’s not fair.

If you’re bored, you’d better be able to entertain yourself without making it other people’s problems. Going through a difficult time on the job, a midlife crisis because you woke up and looked like your parent, or feeling generally bored with yourself and blaming it on everyone else? Well, that’s YOUR problem and you should be responsible and take care of it without making other people miserable. Every bright 4^th grader knows to have a good book or imagination land to turn to in such situations. As a grownup, you have more resources.

Be curious. A 4^th grader can write a story about space exploration in the morning, fall into a reverie about living in historic times after snack, negotiate all sorts of social dilemmas at lunch and sharpen his bartering skills before going back to class. There, the 4^th grader stumbles over short division in the afternoon, is distracted by a turtle trudging across the schoolyard out the window before music class, and then figures out how to make rude sounds with a flute. For a normal, healthy 4^th grader, the day is chock full of adventures, challenges and other sorts of fun. Can you say the same?

Here’s a challenge: try to live with a little bit of your heart guided by 4^th grader standards. Monitor what happens: how do you feel? What do you notice? How are other people reacting?

Maybe, just maybe, you will start believing in miracles and magic again, too.

D Puterbaugh © 2015