Tag Archives: psychology

The Change Challenge

Everyone wants to make changes. New Year’s Eve fast approaches, and with it, lots of resolving to make changes. Statistically, we hear that most resolutions are cast aside within days. What’s going on?

I find that people make three major mistakes when they prepare for change. See if one, or more of these, sounds familiar to you.

  1. You want change – instantly! Your short attention span means that investing in a process that takes time and sustained effort seems “stupid” or “pointless.” You are unwilling to accept that change takes time. You’ve heard stories about people having some sort of lightbulb moment and then they assert that “everything changed.” Yeah, well, that was the summary. Even if someone can indeed name their “pivot point” or the “a-ha!” moment when they realized change was necessary, or when they knew they’d “hit bottom,” or whatever term they’re using for realizing they need to make a change rather than ride along passively through life, letting change happen to them by default, it’s only the beginning. Actual change simply takes time, and as we all know, our culture is not big on the taking-a-long-time “thing.” We want change, now. Well, I have run many marathons and I never did figure out how to finish any of them in more than one step at a time. There did not seem to be an alternative route to getting the job done.

 

  1. You telescope – and then give up without trying. The flip side to the craving for instant change is a curious phenomenon that I call “telescoping.” You look ahead to a distant goal and see the end performance up close – as if it must happen imminently. Since you’re clearly unprepared to do what’s required at the end (yet), you give up on it. Well, the goal is distant for a reason. The process of getting closer to the goal prepares you for it. This is why freshmen write 2000 word papers and doctoral students write 300+ page dissertations, and it’s why little kids have training wheels and their parents have more gears than they have fingers to count them.

 

  1. You don’t understand that “change” means “change.” You don’t realize that making changes will change you in ways you cannot know for certain until you look back, later. For example, if someone decides to eat more healthily, s/he is simply not able to really understand the many subtle and not-so-subtle ways in which this decision will create change. The numbers on the scale are, frankly, the least of it. Addicted to salty snack foods (salt does indeed hit the brain’s dopamine/reward system quite effectively!) and packaged sweet baked goods, the new eating habit feels like punishment. At first, they resent the terrible restrictions placed on them (by choice) as deeply as a preschooler denied dessert over unfinished green beans. Every day, of every future year, will be, it seems, a torturous process in which they will be denied the cheesy poofs and sugar bombs they crave. They are unaware that eating better foods will change THEM, not just their weight. They cannot see that the person they will be in three months will not be the same person bitterly having almonds for a snack instead of a bag of salty, deep-fried crunchy things. In 3 or 6 months, they will sleep better. They will think more clearly because, finally getting the nutrients it craves, their brain can build new connections, repair old ones, and improve its efficiency. They will have more energy, and their taste buds will probably have recovered so that more nuances besides “salty” and “sweet” are available…but in their imagination, their future self somehow merely “looks better” but has undergone no interior change whatsoever. Their beautiful shell will be angrily chomping on a salad but look fabulous doing so.

Of course, some people do all of the above: they want change to be instant and are utterly terrified at what that change means as if they have to do it all now. They want to “be different,” on the one hand, right now, and seem unable to grasp that making changes will change them.

When you consider making a change, do you fear the initial process? The “sacrifice?” Do you worry the effort won’t be worth it, or do you telescope and, unprepared for the advanced part of the process, immediately discount your capacity to meet the challenge?

Whatever your change-challenge might be, it’s helpful to read the stories of people who made tremendous changes, and talk to people whose achievements you admire. Find out about the doubts, first steps, challenges, etc. See if they, too, wondered about being able to reach their goals, or felt awkward taking the steps towards a goal that seemed so far away and unachievable.

What are you going to change?

Dr. Lori Puterbaugh

© 2015

Posts are for information and entertainment purposes only and should not be construed to be therapeutic advice. If you are in need of mental health assistance, please contact a licensed professional in your area.

Bigger kids, bigger headaches: When big kids misbehave in public

A few weeks ago, I made some suggestions for handling little ones and their misbehaving in public. Ultimately, little kids are easy: if all else fails, they’re portable, and you can carefully carry them out if they are truly having a meltdown. Bigger kids have more ways to be upsetting. Whether they refuse to put down their phones during a restaurant meal or behave in a whiny, inappropriate way on shopping outings, it’s more embarrassing because we like to think they’re old enough to know better and if they don’t, maybe it reflects on us! It’s also annoying because we are sure we’ve had this conversation all-too-many times already.

Our consequences should make sense in a real-world sense. The closer our consequences reflect the real world in which our children will have to survive as adults, the better. We grownups also have to stay calm; if we “lose it,” they feel as if they’ve won.

Let’s take a typical early-teen child who, at a family outing for dinner, refuses to put down the phone or, when pressed to do so, acts as if we are being totally ridiculous and unfair. Eye-rolling and sarcasm abound; responses are grunts or rude. Stay calm, grownups.

Consider this three-step process:

  1. When you arrive home, calmly state you are disappointed in (describe particular choices the child made, avoiding global criticism) and will decide what to do about this at another time. For example, instead of berating your child’s generic “rudeness” calmly delineate the offenses: grunted at the wait staff; refused to put down the telephone when asked; rolled eyes during Grace, etc. Then let it go. Refuse to engage in further discussion and do not yield to pressure to make a consequence now. Your child wants to act now because you will be behaving out of frustration, which means that the effort to anger you was successful, and, in your anger, you are apt to give a harsh consequence which you will soon retract. Double victory for youth!
  2. Plan another, similar outing soon. At the time it happens, let your child know she is not invited to come along. This is a natural consequence. If your romantic partner, or friends, or boss, took you out for a meal and you grunted, rolled your eyes and were sarcastic, you would not be invited again. You don’t have to make a big speech: just say the child was not fun company last time and you intend to have fun this time.
  3. Step 3 is harder: your child has demonstrated (via the behavior last time you had an outing together) an inability to make good choices. Therefore, your teenage child cannot be left home alone. This means hiring a baby sitter. It is unfair for you to pay for the sitter; you, after all, are not the one misbehaving in public. So, extract the payment from your child. If he doesn’t have cash on hand, take custody of some prized possession, render the child a pawnshop type receipt, and let him earn it back later. This is a natural consequence. If I incur an expense, I have to cover it.

Your child will be very unhappy with you. S/he will say you are mean, or this is stupid. Oh, well! The folks at the Love and Logic Institute would suggest you sort of agree, with a calm, cheery, “Maybe so!” Refuse to get mad; your refusal to get angry keeps you in charge.

Then go out for dinner. Enjoy your meal without cell phones, eye rolling, etc. Do NOT bring home a takeout meal for the child left at home. Do not rub it in; just be matter of fact. This is the real world. Our job is to prepare our child to cope with reality. This is a soft version of the lost jobs, lost relationships, arrests or unpleasant reactions from friends that await the adult who cannot behave properly in public.

Dr. Lori Puterbaugh

© 2015

Posts are for information and entertainment purposes only and should not be construed to be therapeutic advice. If you are in need of mental health assistance, please contact a licensed professional in your area.

Are you settling for 10%?

Why settle for 10%?

Sometimes 10% is just right.

God wants 10%. I can live with that.

The IRS wants WAY more than God, and we have to live with that…but it makes us sad.

When it comes to brain power, there’s that myth that “the average person only uses 10% of their brain!” Is that true? Scientists don’t think so, but it makes for good science fiction, when the occasional person is somehow altered to become a combination Einstein-Terminator. The subtle bias that being super-smart means being a freak isn’t lost on us, Hollywood.

It turns out, though, that perfectly normal people, in the absence of script-writers and special effects, can, via disciplined, deliberate effort, substantially – and I mean by up much more than 100 times – improve the speed and efficiency of their neural connections.  Here’s how that works (my apologies to neuroscientists for my gross oversimplification).

First, a little background on our nervous systems.

We have two major categories of nerve cells. Neurons are the ones everyone’s heard of: they’re usually referred to and people often don’t know that any other sort of nerve cell exists. Glial cells are the other kind. Most people haven’t heard of them but the people that have are super-enthusiastic about how much they contribute to our brains. In rock music terms, neurons are the Kurt Cobains: everyone knows who they are and everyone thinks they are great. Glial cells are Chris Cornell: the true nervous system fanatics know how great glial cells are and can’t believe everyone else can’t see past neurons/Kurt (no disrespect to Kurt Cobain intended!). Then we have myelin: it’s made out of fat, particularly those healthy fats such as DHA and EPA. The more you work your brain, the fatter it gets. That’s good – really good.

So…You decide to master a new skill. You focus – hard. The kind of hard thinking that makes your brain tired. It doesn’t matter what sort of skill it might be: kids learning their multiplication tables, a pitcher learning to throw a 90-mph perfect strike, a musician mastering Rachmaninov. Focusing, making efforts, tuning into all the aspects of the activity. Tossing a ball back and forth absentmindedly doesn’t make you a better pitcher. Focusing on the whole body experience – is this foot an anchor or is that leg a spring that, coiled tightly, releases energy at what specific point in the throw? What does it feel like in rib cage, shoulder, elbow, wrist? How is this attempt a little different from the one before? That studied, deliberate focus lights up the neural connections related to that activity, throughout the brain. Over time, as those neurons fire over and over, the glial cells pay attention. Whatever connections are working hardest get glial cell TLC – in the form of extra myelin. Glial cells wrap myelin, that white, fatty substance, around neurons, making the neurons more and more efficient. One hopes, at this point, that the person trying to develop expertise is eating a healthy diet with the right sorts of fats to support this brain development and getting enough sleep. (Consult your physician on this.) Over time, this intense process can improve the speed of the neural connections by up to 100 times! As the neural connection benefits from the support of the myelin, speeding up its efficiency, another change happens: the individual nerve cells themselves become faster by reducing their refractory period (that little, nano-second of rest/resetting between firings) by up to 30%. Factor that into the extra pace of the connections and, well…you do the math. You are upping your brain power by a tremendous amount in this area of interest.

What’s even more exciting is that our options for doing this are a wide-open window: you can go ahead and decide to devote the necessary focus and energy to many areas of interest over a life time, and, given overall health, a good diet and clean living, your brain will continue to dutifully respond to the demands you put on it.

Physical strength training benefits people in their 90s (yes, you read that right) and this sort of brain training – the kind people make naturally when they are interested and self-motivated – likewise can be a lifetime escapade of growth, challenge and fun.

Are you settling for 10%?

 

Dr. Lori Puterbaugh

© 2015

Posts are for information and entertainment purposes only and should not be construed to be therapeutic advice. If you are in need of mental health assistance, please contact a licensed professional in your area.

 

The Invisibles

August 29, 2015

The Invisibles

In David Zweig’s new book, The Invisibles, he explores the rich environment of those whose dedication to excellence and satisfaction in their work so often hides behind the scenes…and yet is essential to the lifestyle we enjoy. Examples are fact-checkers, anesthesiologists, and structural engineers. Who, for example, praises structural engineers, or pays them any attention whatsoever – until something goes dreadfully wrong? It’s a deep and interesting read, and well worth one’s time.

There are many of these Invisibles. In fact, a great deal of normal, daily life comprises settling into the role of the Invisible. Consider, for example, the many household duties that must be done and yet fade into invisibility. No one really notices the spouse who, besides holding down a job, drops off and picks up the dry cleaning, buys groceries and makes sure the right items are available for meals and snacks, tends to bill-paying, drops off and picks up children at school and aftercare, packs lunches, checks book bags and furtively checks to see if little toothbrushes have really been used. However, if the other spouse does an unusually good job of tidying up the yard and throws in a bit of extra landscaping – some pavers there, a new pot of herbs here – no doubt the neighbors will toss some praise. The yard work was visible. All that other stuff is background noise.

Of course, the errand-runner ought not to be doing errands to garner praise, and the yard-keeper likewise. Let’s face it, we shouldn’t get the Parent of the Year award for making sure five-year-olds brush their teeth. Adults should be able to accept, with grace, the inevitable invisibility but also seek and honor the invisible, and visible, efforts of our loved ones. It’s not easy to find the time to seek the invisible when you feel overworked and underappreciated yourself. I’ve advised clients in this position to make a list (ostensibly for themselves but also as a family-education tool) of the many tasks that have to be done daily, several times weekly, weekly, bi-weekly and monthly, and post that in the kitchen. It will help them stay organized, and it often generates interest, surprise and then sincere helpfulness in the spouse.

“What’s all this?” (Suspiciously)

“Oh, it’s the stuff I have to keep track of; my therapist suggested I make a list.”

“Holy cannoli, you’ve been doing ALL THIS?”

“Yeah.” (No sarcasm allowed here!)

“Well, what can I do to help? I had no idea all this stuff was going on.” (Here, resist the urge to say, “Well, how the heck do you THINK your dry cleaning got done, the litter box was scooped and your mom’s birthday gift made it to the post office?” That would just generate a contest on who rightfully feels more unappreciated. Odds are, you are both missing opportunities left and right to express appropriate gratitude).

Sometimes, people don’t realize how much invisible work their spouse has been doing until they have been widowed. Then, all the unnoticed tasks their husband or wife did become glaringly obvious. It can be overwhelming and even worse – a big source of guilt for not appreciating all those small, thoughtful, invisible contributions to daily life.

So…look for the invisible and say thank you.

Dr. Lori Puterbaugh

© 2015

Posts are for information and entertainment purposes only and should not be construed to be therapeutic advice. If you are in need of mental health assistance, please contact a licensed professional in your area.

Water, Judgment and Stuff

Sometimes Mother Nature takes a swipe at our stuff, and we find out what’s important and what’s not.

We had a little water in our basement – the ground was so saturated from 2+ feet of rain in a few weeks that water began oozing through concrete blocks. After some initial dismay (Really? This is the moment the shop vac decides to die?), I felt relief at some items not damaged and indifferent to most that were. The truth was, I was more than a little relieved to be able to be rid of some of that stuff. Do you have those things, too – piles of stuff that have accumulated and are neither treasured nor useful?

It’s an interesting mental exercise: if a natural disaster took a bunch of my stuff, what would I be most relieved to find still intact, in the wreckage? I suspect that in a real disaster, I would be grateful for anything that was a link to a swept-away past. Any photo, any old Christmas ornament, would be precious under those circumstances.

Flashes of insight come relatively easily; change, not so easily. After the realization that I was not sad that some old drawings and paintings are gone, and realizing how little I really cared about a lot of stuff I’d accumulated, life rolled on and I did nothing substantive to reduce the clutter.

Not content to let me congratulate myself on my bit of awareness, I was given a dream. In my dream, I was dead and being judged, and the Lord took me into my closet and pointed to the many clothes I rarely wore and gently asked me why I still had them when others needed them? Each tired shirt and sweater, dusty on a forgotten hanger, was a reproach against my selfishness and oblivion to others’ needs. Dickens’ Marley was weighed down with chains of money boxes; I fear I will drag chains of little-worn clothing, books and kitsch. It is time, once again, to start purging: cabinets, closets, overflowing shelves. There is a big box next to the closet – 2 x 2 x 3 – and it is rapidly filling with “stuff” that I hope someone really can use.

I am still not exactly grateful for that half-inch of stinky water in my basement, but thanks…I got the hint, and this time, I hope, it will stick.

Dr. Lori Puterbaugh

© 2015

Posts are for information and entertainment purposes only and should not be construed to be therapeutic advice. If you are in need of mental health assistance, please contact a licensed professional in your area.

If you need an answer right away, the answer is no…

…if you need a “yes,” a “yes” takes time.

So states the Sirusas Principle, named after a former boss who asserted this to, among others, commercial lending customers who were rather insistent on getting disbursements on the strength of a phone call.

No doubt the same can be said when dealing with children, employees, friends – and anyone else whose misbehavior or request seems to demand an immediate response.

One of the old tenets of parenting, based on behaviorist research, is that we have to immediately intervene with some sort of brilliantly thought-out and superlatively consistent response to every instance of misbehavior. Not only do we inflict this impossible standard on parents (including ourselves), but we carry it out into the world at large. An employee wants an extra day off? A friend needs a favor? Your second cousin wants to know if you’re flying out for a baby shower for your third cousin’s fifth child? Car salesperson wants your decision now? We foray into each encounter expecting that we must have a great decision, instant intervention and surefooted strategy for every possible situation.

Meh, not so much.

This notion no doubt is rooted in psychological research involving birds and rats. People don’t need an immediate consequence to get the message. Even your toddler can wait while you calm down and figure out what message you want to transmit. Sure, yelling and acting like a mean, angry giant works, if by “works” you mean, terrorize your kid and teach them that “might makes right,” no matter what. Was that the lesson you had in mind? If not, announce calmly that a response is forthcoming and change the subject until you can figure out what to do, or remember what your great plan was for just such an occasion.

If you doubt a child, or employee, or friend, can wait for a response to misbehavior or a request, consider whether said person would forget a positive promise. Odds are if you tell a three year old you are going to the zoo “tomorrow,” or in “three days,” the three year old will be able to remember you promised. So, if said three year old is a real stinker at the grocery store, you can say, “Wow, I’m so disappointed. I thought you knew better how to behave at the store. We will have to have a consequence when we get home.” No yelling, no screeching, no suspicious looks from naïve fellow shoppers who have not yet learned how difficult children can be. Your child will not forget that you are “thinking.” Meanwhile, you can calm down, think it through, and come up with a response that makes sense. The consequence may mean a short period of quiet “thinking time” for the three year old – and a very short conversation (one or two minutes) about making good choices next time.

Some people feel they must act immediately or they fear they will look weak, or, knowing their own dislike for confrontation, they suspect they will simply allow themselves to be misused. This is sort of fear is a powerful force, and merits its own attention, beyond the scope of this short essay.

Whether it’s fear of looking weak or fear that you will ultimately fail to act at all, consider learning to put that reflexive need for action away and take a deep breath before you decide what to do. Perhaps you will decide that making that first decision be to temporarily postpone a specific decision is the most useful option for you.

Dr. Lori Puterbaugh

© 2015